Spoke to me: Dear Younger Me

by FeR on March 3, 2019 in Him & faith,just me

Dear younger me
Where do I start
If I could tell you everything that I have learned so far
Then you could be one step ahead
Of all the painful memories still running thru my head
I wonder how much different things would be, dear younger me

Dear younger me
I cannot decide
Do I give some speech about how to get the most out of your life
Or do I go deep
And try to change
The choices that you’ll make ’cause they’re choices that made me
Even though I love this crazy life
Sometimes I wish it was a smoother ride, dear younger me
Dear younger me

If I knew then what I know now
Condemnation would’ve had no power
My joy my pain would’ve never been my worth
If I knew then what I know now
Would’ve not been hard to figure out
What I would’ve changed if I had heard

Dear younger me
It’s not your fault
You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross

Dear younger me

You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed
Every mountain every valley
Thru each heartache you will see
Every moment brings you closer
To who you were meant to be, dear younger me
Dear younger me

– MercyMe –

I recently got to know someone who reminded me of ACK. The way he speaks, the seemingly kindred spirit, the family story, the frankness when we talked about various topics. The MIA was also pretty similar :lol: but the expectation was not set in any romantic tones, so it made me wonder for a moment if I have offended him. I liked having the option to use a second language and still be understood – as he puts it, “it’s a breath of fresh air” when you get to talk to someone whom you seem to get along well with and the English language sometimes fail to articulate the same meaning of a word in the other language. Anyway, he has chosen to cease communication (the young ‘uns call this “ghosting” – well, ACK mastered that even before there was a term for it!) and I’ve said my piece (nothing nasty, I have no bad blood with this sort-of-stranger person).

Then there was another that was refreshingly honest and I felt like I could be pretty straightforward with him, too. Our values seem similar and I find it endearing and precious when a dad is so hands on. He could probably write a book of funny conversations he has with/of his kids. Our conversations are pretty random – from dad jokes/puns to serious things like what we want for ourselves (separately, don’t be creepy! This is a person I’ve just met) in the future. Perhaps introverts connect better without meeting each other – it all seemed better before meeting in person anyway. It’s all downhill after our meeting – which makes me wonder, maybe there IS something wrong with me. I’m the common denominator. :roll: I don’t think I can call him a friend friend because I don’t think we will ever hang out as friends do from here on. This reminds me of my chat with another person – we just stopped because there wasn’t much to talk about (?) and we just play Scrabble online now. :lol: So I guess he is now the void that I send puns to (or maybe not – because you can tell how they actually don’t want to hear from you anymore but is too painfully polite to say so).

Speaking of being honest, I don’t think I’ve written about this before. When I heard this song and got to “painful memories”, my mind just went back to this particular time in my life. Likely triggered by the aforementioned two incidents. You know what they say about smell triggering memories? Mine was triggered by these…rejections? I know it’s not but that’s the closest explanation, I guess. The memory was of me, waking up super early at 哥哥’s place and seeing the sun rise from his balcony. My brother has left for work and I received a message that I was expecting but still made me feel like I got hit hard in the gut. I don’t think anyone can be fully prepared for anything that comes your way, even if you KNOW beforehand what’s coming.

Yes, I cried.
Okay, fiiiiiiine. I bawled.
I have not cried that hard since I was a child? The kind where you get SOB (shortness of breath! Not anything bad, okay!) because your lungs struggle to get air in. I remember saying to God that I will STILL choose to praise Him for the answer I got given. I couldn’t sleep and I had no appetite; the scary bit was being unable to sleep because whenever I am upset, sleep was my only comfort. The biggest lie out of all this was that we could be friends. It was just me being crazy and probably wanting to hang on or be 瀟灑 about the entire ordeal. :pfft:
It was an unexplainable pain – pain that I don’t even remember feeling when ACK went MIA :P It was felt physically right in the chest. It all came back (the memory of it) when I went through these things recently. I’m not sure why. I remember wondering if I made the wrong choice of being completely honest; wondered if I should have kept my mouth shut. Within 48 hours, everything that was said and done – they were all taken back. It had become meaningless. Everything. Including me (what felt like). Everything that was supposedly good in me did not mean a single thing, it held no weight whatsoever. My character and integrity were (seemingly) on the line (I hate that feeling). I have suddenly turned from being a catch to a horrifying nightmare or a deadly disease. This all happened even before it got to be classified as a relationship. :sidelook:
It made me questioned myself – maybe I’ve always been delusional about myself. Maybe I’m not that good or kind or considerate or thoughtful – everything that others have said of me or what I thought I stood for, all lies? It wasn’t nice, it made me feel really bad about myself – like I was a fake.

That was my little drama. Like the song, I’m not sure if I’ll change anything of my past. On one hand, it’s what makes me me now. On the other hand, telling my younger self about all these may avoid her going through all that pain. If I avoided that ONE thing (I believe that could be a crucial turning point of how my life would’ve ended differently) – that one thing was choosing perhaps NOT to make that phone call on Connie’s balcony. Things would DEFINITELY be different. I have no doubt of it. Maybe I won’t be living here now. I think I am a better person now and all that I’ve gone through were key in shaping me to who I am now. Tough choice, eh.

What would you do?