Mode: Shut down

by FeR on December 27, 2016 in personal

Some days, I shut down. I don’t want to try on those days and I don’t apologise for it. It’s an auto-pilot mode that cannot be over-ridden by any effort to make sense of things. I feel like sleeping, shutting everything/everyone out. I give up caring about others because it’s so tiring (painful, even). It’s one of those days that turn me into an ungrateful brat asking, “What about me?”

I don’t know if I’m alone in feeling like this. It doesn’t happen all the time but it makes an ugly appearance on rare occasions. 

I’m tired. 


Meal planning

by FeR on October 17, 2016 in personal

It’s been a while since I planned my meals. A long long while because I’m lazy and WY has been feeding me. 

I don’t know if the cause of my cystic acne is due to change of weather/water or the diet I have when I’m out of Malaysia. I never seem to have any problems when I lived in Malaysia. My first major break out is when I was in Glasgow for my final year of Uni and boy was it baaaaaaad! Instead of asking how am I, everyone asked me what happened to my face! :bum:

If it’s the weather, I’m doomed. Well, not doomed but it means I either have to be on the pill forever or I have to move to a tropical climate. I don’t really want to (I probably can, nothing is holding me back – but I don’t want to). 

If it’s diet (and this is what I’m testing out at the moment), I am happy to comply. I tried going gluten free for a bit in NZ but that did NOTHING for my skin. I’m not sure if it’s because I needed to be on it for a longer time or I needed to fix the breakouts first before I see any improvement from the change in diet. I will point out that I didn’t quit dairy at the same time. 

I am now working on the theory that maybe I have to have a more “Malaysian diet” in order to keep acne at bay. I don’t eat a lot of gluten or dairy in Malaysia (that’s why I’m not calling it a gluten and dairy free diet) but when I went overseas, I probably had more bread/pasta and dairy than I’ve ever had in my entire life in Malaysia. Truly. Dairy products are expensive in Malaysia (I’m also lactose intolerant) and bread is not eaten as much as I ate rice or noodles (I happen to favour rice noodles, so no gluten problems there!). This is my theory. If at the end of the day, it’s unexplained adult acne, at least I tried. 

I’ve stopped taking Diane-35 since end July. I have had some breakouts around the chin area (lower part of face) which apparently means that it’s due to hormonal imbalance (hmmm! That’s why I thought dairy may be the big culprit since you hear about all those hormones in them!) but I guess it’s still not as bad as when I tried stopping the pills back in NZ (I didn’t attempt any diet changes then). I switched to almond milk but still have a bit of milk at work or in baked goods. I’m trying not to eat so much bread or pasta (it’s so difficult because sandwiches and pasta are the easiest to have for all meals!) and really hope this change in diet helps keep my skin relatively clear. I really do not want to rely on the pill forever, especially when the side effects and my pre-existing medical conditions leaves me at the short end of the stick. 

The other thing I’m trying is spearmint tea. A research apparently has shown that spearmint tea has antiandrogenic properties in females with hirtuism but no research has been to assess whether that translates into clinical improvement of the condition. I am happy to try it – I love spearmint flavour! I never really enjoyed herbal teas but for the sake of clear skin, I am willing to drink all the herbal teas in the world! :lol:

Here is to my “Malaysian diet” trial (basically a low gluten and low dairy diet) and hope it works!


Spoke to me: Blessings

by FeR on May 1, 2016 in Him & faith,personal

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough

And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is
This is not our home
It’s not our home

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

– Laura Story –

I have not heard of this song until today when 姐 shared it with me. It puts a different perspective to how we see blessings in our lives. What if those tears and pain are a means to being blessed? Definitely something to think about and it’s somewhat a comfort if it’s true. The uncertainty in transition and the waiting…makes me restless. Yet I know that I’ve been told to wait. Wait patiently. There is strength/purpose/reason in the waiting. 

Psalm 27:14
Wait on the LORD;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the LORD!

Today has been an emotional day. From hearing about how someone took his own life, to how a prayer for a miracle was answered (goosebumps when I heard it!) When the pastor prophesied over a lady at church, I felt he was also ministering to me. He said something about a sudden/abrupt change/loss 11 years ago and how she told God, “I want this but if You don’t want this for me, I don’t want it either” – he told her that God now says, “I want you to have this.” There is also an unexplained excitement/anticipation in her and God has been preparing her. 

Let it be to me according to your word


Hello again

by FeR on March 31, 2016 in family & friends,personal

Two months ago, the day was full of anticipation. How different is that day compared to what it is now, today. I can’t believe it’s only been two months. It felt much longer than that, feels like I’ve come a long way. Excitement to see someone I’ve missed and for that anticipation to be reciprocated. Fear that it will also be the first and last time that the same anticipation will be admitted or reciprocated. My excitement and fear were both justified in that one day.
I remember wishing for that moment to both come to pass quickly and yet to be prolonged from happening at all. It was a very confusing point of time and rightly so.
Even though I’ve chosen to momentarily shut this person out completely, I whisper a prayer when that person pops up in my mind. I can only do so much for my own sake at this point, and trust me, the battle is within myself as I do not like going against my own word. Perhaps this silence from me may also be a relief to that person.

A week ago, the excitement to see someone else that I’ve missed caused the act of a very violent hug at the airport. :hee:
The difference between two months and a week ago is – this person has always been the one that I know who will have the same level of anticipation as I do whenever we meet. I don’t doubt it and she has never left me doubting. She has seen me in all my ugliness but still choose to love me as I am. Thank you for sticking around and know that I’m always here for you.

Life is slowly readjusting to what it was before everything happened. Weeding again and remembering daddy as I do it. Waking up to a song in my head, whether worship or secular. Learning more about self and how to express my stand, even if others don’t agree with it. Wondering about the randomest things as I go about my daily life (eg the cricket thing when clearing dead leaves this morning). Smiling and laughing at own thoughts/conversation-with-self.

Right now, there are bigger things to think about. A lot has happened since that day, two months ago. A lot has happened with/to me, the people around me, and people in the world in other countries. The theme of it all is “there are more pressing matters out there”. Things to do, things to think about, people and things to be thankful for, to pray for, things to look forward to. Some of it you know about, some of it you may not know but all of it, God knows (pretty interesting stuff, aye? :hee: ) Perhaps that’s why it felt like a much longer time has passed than just two months. 

The niggling small voice that tries to discourage me is still there but I choose to say, “Shut up and go away!” to it (yes, sometimes out loud). I also like to think that’s probably the reason why I still go a little deaf from time to time (not that my sinuses are infected/blocked, of course not! :P ), because God does not want me to listen to that voice. 

Let my heart not be hardened. Instead, grant me an even bigger capacity to love like You, Jesus. 


3 years late

by FeR on January 3, 2016 in likes,personal

I am currently obsessed with “Everything Has Changed”, to the point that I’m contemplating trying to pick up the guitar again. Even if it’s just to learn this one song. Never had any talent in musical instruments. It may be the fact that I don’t put the effort and hours into it to be better as well. :pfft:

I know the song was released in 2012 (thus the blog title – 3 years because I started this obsession last month :P ) and I have heard it in the past on the radio. Ever since I purchased it from iTunes, I’ve listened to it more often but the past month? Sometimes I drive to work and have this song on repeat. 20 minutes of the same song over and over again. :hee:

One personal resolution this year is to take time to be the silly me. I guess I haven’t been in the company of close friends who have seen me in all my different facets of personality that I feel comfortable to show this silly/childish/playful side. I may have to be professional at work but I do enjoy being goofy, taking candid photos, sharing puns (inevitably laughing at it myself until I tear), having a good laugh, breaking out in song, making faces, dance like a dork (just because it’s a happy/my favourite song). Perhaps I have stepped into the realm of being overly concerned how people see/judge me, so I restrain myself. It is time again to remind myself that those who matter and truly knows me won’t make me feel that way. Time to embrace the inner goof and hopefully meet/find/discover someone this year that appreciates everything that makes me, me. Including liking songs from Tay-Tay. :P

All I knew this morning when I woke,
Is I know something now, know something now I didn’t before.
And all I’ve seen since eighteen hours ago is green eyes and freckles and your smile in the back of my mind making me feel like

I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now
I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now
I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now
I just wanna know you, know you, know you

‘Cause all I know is we said, “Hello.”
And your eyes look like coming home
All I know is a simple name
Everything has changed
All I know is you held the door
You’ll be mine and I’ll be yours
All I know since yesterday is everything has changed
And all my walls stood tall painted blue
And I’ll take them down, take them down and open up the door for you.
And all I feel in my stomach is butterflies
The beautiful kind, making up for lost time, taking flight, making me feel like
Come back and tell me why
I’m feeling like I’ve missed you all this time.
And meet me there tonight and let me know that it’s not all in my mind.
All I know is we said, “Hello.”
So dust off your highest hopes
All I know is pouring rain and everything has changed
All I know is a new found grace
All my days I’ll know your face
All I know since yesterday is everything has changed.

– Taylor Swift & Ed Sheeran –