FeR

Today I drove Phoebe to Jalan YapKwanSeng and paid for her last payment.
She is 100% mine from today onwards…and I’m contemplating getting rid of her. Not in the cant-wait-to-get-rid-of-her-ugh sense but more like thinking about how it’s not feasible for me to keep her when I’m only going to be back once a year or less. The current arrangement is not looking well because she’s not exactly being kept in tip-top condition (sad but true).

I want to bask in this moment for as long as possible – that I have some kind of property (albeit a depreciating one *hehe*) – but I have to be practical. Everyone’s telling me that I have to be. Everyone’s saying it’s just a car (ooo! Don’t let Phoebe hear this or she may sulk!) but I have a hard time even when THINKING of letting her go because she’s my first purchase. First BIG purchase and commitment. It’s been 5 years – that’s quite some time, y’know.

I really hate to be practical at this very moment.

It’s going to be a drag going to work today. I’m not used to working the full shift with the one-hour lunch break anymore. Unnecessary waste of time when I could skip it and instead, come home earlier.

Drag drag drag.

Complain complain complain.

I’m just not a morning person. Wish I was.
This is me still at home, and I’m already thinking, “I can’t wait to get home after work and sleep.”
Though, when I get back from work, I’m alert as ever.

T is liftoff time.
H is for hours.
M is for minutes.
S is for seconds.

Naturally, D is for days (my own deduction).

I’m excited to go to HongKong! I’m also excited to go home, of course – can’t wait to see everyone, especially mom. Yet, this is a bittersweet trip home for me. What makes it so – I am unable to divulge the information here but it’s definitely something close to heart.

Bittersweet may also be caused by the one-way ticket I’ve purchased this time. It’s a freedom to choose when I want to fly back to Malaysia, but at the same time, there is no urgency when I have no ticket’s expiry to worry about. I am still in the midst of deciding where I want to be semi-permanently and with this one-way ticket decision, at least I’ve got the country sorted (sort of)?
*shrugs*

Only God knows how sentimental I can be and how I can be so attached to things/places; that I do myself harm when I try so hard to hold on to the memories that live within them. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t look back and think of the bad that makes me sad. The irony is that when I think of the GOOD memories, I feel sad – because I know I can’t turn back time and lock them down in an indefinite loop, that I may never cease to bask in its happiness.

Perhaps it is (indeed) time to move on. Make new memories. Learn to let go. Mend broken heart strings and look forward to playing new tunes. Only reminisce about the good old times when in the presence of family/friends from those times because when all is done, we are comforted by the fact that those family/friends are still around us (thinking about the past alone is detrimental but when with company, it becomes the highlight).

I can’t wait to go back and catch up with family/friends. Are you excited about me coming back?

I’m in my late 20s!

I don’t know what triggered it off but suddenly I’m feeling all panicky about my age. What have I achieved so far?!
I feel that I’ve not done much in my life – where did all the time go? It’s going to be a decade since I stepped into university and as reminded by HongHui, it’s our 12th year since we’ve left secondary school.

Have you ever thought about what you would be or be doing when you’re at a certain age? Or what you would WANT to have achieved by a certain age? Like how 15 year old Marshall wrote a letter to his 30 year old self (yes, many “re-runs” of How I Met Your Mother).

I’ve never been there. As in I’ve never thought about it.
Ask my teenage self what I would be doing now, I would probably say, “I don’t know.” She would never have dreamt or thought that she would be a pharmacist now, working in New Zealand.

Do I lack dream and ambition?
I have to admit, I’m still (very slowly) getting to know myself – so I can’t even think of what I want to see my older self achieving. I can only say I know what I would want to tell my younger self NOT to do – now with that, I have specific points I’d like to change or avoid.

I want to have my own place by the time I turn 30 – sadly, I don’t see things gearing towards that direction.
My “life plan” for the sake of my biological clock? It obviously did not coincide with God’s plans for me.
The life I envisioned before I got here is different from what it is now – where is my extra time for hobbies? I can only say it’s my own doings – not feeling motivated.

Ah!

I have a mixture of feelings at the moment when I think about family and friends. I miss the good old days of being under the same roof as my family, arguing with korkor, weekend visits to PJ/KL, hanging out after school, movies on weekends, etc. I miss my friends and time from school, other schools, college, uni, work in Seremban and KL.
It’s such a cliche but really, you don’t know what you’re missing till it’s gone.

I can’t wait to go back home but at the same time, I know it’s not going to be exactly the same as how I’ve left it. I know for a fact that if I continue to slack in my correspondence with friends, I will have nothing in the end.
I think about my best/close friends and I don’t seem to know them anymore – I did not keep myself updated with their changes/lives and I have a feeling I’m so far off that I’m probably more of an acquaintance than a friend now. I miss the young, gung-ho me – the one who keeps herself updated with what others are up to, the one who remembers people’s birthdays without referring to notes/calendars, the one who MAKES gifts, the one who writes, the one who calls…

Sorry if I’ve not written, or said hello, or asked, “How are you?” – just know that I have thought of you and have remembered you in prayers.

I do not want to turn into an old spinster with no friends because of my own doings.

Aging crisis…indeed.

Be careful who you choose to give to.

If you make the wrong choice, it inevitably robs yourself of being able to give to those who are REALLY important to you – that is, your family.

I know how it feels when you are robbed of that privilege to give to your family, to make them happy. It is something you will never forget for the rest of your life.

To this day, I kick myself – because I know I had that choice. I wasn’t forced to make that choice, wasn’t coerced, wasn’t bribed. I made a bad call. I think it’s even denial of what it really was.

One day.