I cried again in my dream.
It was hard – seeing someone having to give up the one thing that she has, the one thing that is hers. And yet she lets it go. How was she able to do that?

In my dream, it was a blue silk shoe. Looked like a child’s shoe – those little Chinese booties kind. It was only one. She didn’t have the pair. While we were walking down a path that looked like a shopping street (but I think it was the upper level because they were railings/glass at the side), someone caught up with us asking her to hand over the shoe. I felt that the whole thing was so unfair. She was asked to leave and while we were walking (I saw “we” were walking because I remember walking together but when things happened, I was watching from the sideline) this other person from where she was asked to leave came running to us and demanding that she handed over the shoe – which was hers! It didn’t belong to anyone else.

[It was a dream - I have no idea why the shoe was so important and why I would have such strong feelings towards her handing it over]

With a very sad, reluctant face, she slowly rummaged through her bag and the shoe appeared. She handed it over without saying anything (I think I grumbled about it at this points – about how she shouldn’t give it up and “they” had no right to take it).

That was the bit I remembered from the dream (apart from driving towards a dead end – which was a house – but the driveway was almost vertical!) that was linked to such strong emotions. Writing it down, it sounds petty and silly. Why did I feel that injustice has been done, then? It’s not fair that they want EVERY SINGLE bit that she has, that was truly hers and yet twist it as if she didn’t have a right to possess it.

I have no idea what triggered it (like how I had no idea back then in 2002!) but I was not stressed/anxious/anything out of the ordinary. However, this time, I knew it would pass. I just didn’t know how long it’d take.

Checked one item and then I had to sit down for a while, with head between my knees. Julie and Amanda said I looked kind of green – not my normal colour.

I honestly didn’t feel good at all. When I pushed myself to persevere, my vision got a bit blurry and I felt like my knees were going to give. So I sit and breathe. Head between knees. That was my plan to keep going. When I had to hand a prescription out, I was worried I may keel over…or puke in front of the patient (or worse, into their face!).

Lynnette was on her lunch break and if anyone should be stressed/anxious, it would be her instead of me, due to all the happenings at work! Mel offered to go get her but I felt really bad and said, “No, it’s okay.”

There is nothing anyone could do but I suppose it is real because they could see it in my face/colouring. Not that I’m saying they won’t believe me but it can be rather suspicious because when I got to work at 12pm, I was feeling okay (when I’m okay, I’m usually quite noisy at work *hehe*).

I thought of checking my blood pressure because that was what they did the last time. First reading was 104/72 and second was 106/69 – I didn’t think that was low, or at least, low enough to cause fainting. Actually, the irritating part is I have NO IDEA whatsoever as to what causes it. What sets it off? I wasn’t stressed or worried or anxious at all…really!

I had a lie down in the staff room (sleeping on the job! ) and eventually started to feel better (this was what the doctor advised last time, too!) after about 5 minutes or so. Mel said she could drive me back (I didn’t trust myself to drive at that state) and wait for Jason at my place but I knew I’d come right – like I said, I just didn’t know how long I’d take.

I survived the day! I’d hate to think I’d have to trouble Lynnette to work an extended shift or call in anyone on their day off to cover my shift.
So there you go. I’m glad it only happens once in 8 years…

It’s a weird feeling of wanting to do so much yet at the same time I’m reluctant to budge. Does that make sense?

Another part of me mourn the loss.
Loss of contact with many people. Loss of contact with family.

I’m not only talking about literal contact, I mean it in the sense of personal connection, too.
I see/read/hear about people meeting up with their old friends – the excitement from both ends are enviable.

I think about you but at the same time I feel like we’ve drifted so far apart that I have not much to say. This lack of knowledge of what to say holds me back from contact or in the event if I do, I have not much to add on after “How are you?”
Sure, I can update you about what’s going on with me but relationships are two-way connections. I feel like I’m the only one who feels guilty about not initiating contact. Why is it so when for that equal length of time, you did not contact me?

I have so much in my head that I’d really like to write down but I’m unmotivated to start. Why?! Then, as a result of my laziness, I get frustrated because I’ve not “let it out”.

I shall go lie in bed now.

By the time I got home from JJ’s and showered, it was about 1230am. Spent some time paying off some bills (two had outstanding balance and one of them is nearly RM300 to pay!) and doing some other banking matters.

It’s really difficult to let go of Phoebe because she’s my first very own, big commitment. I’ve JUST settled the last payment and have to go collect the release letter from KL. I feel like it’s a shame to let her go but if one is to take a pragmatic approach, it’s the best thing because I’m hardly here.

It’s just a number plate, FeR…let it go. You can get personalized plates in NZ, so it’s not difficult to get the same “number”. Same goes to your things in your room. And it’s just a room with four walls, you can get a room anywhere. Bring you books, it’ll be okay. The piano is a bit trickier because it belongs to both you and her – of course you wouldn’t want to see it go but if there is no choice, it’s better to let it go than to let it rot at home when you know Malaysia is notorious for having high humidity.

Why must I be so sentimental and FEEEEEEEEELING.
*sigh*

It’s the festive season and I’m depressing myself. I’d better pack my bag for Penang now.

Phoebe is looking quite sad. It makes me upset to hear her creaking and rattling. I don’t think the reason is “poor quality make”, I think it’s because she was not taken care of (properly) when I was away. The way she is handled would also make her fall apart easier. Quite sakit hati to see my first big purchase coming to this. Maybe I should just let her go so that she could have a better life. I’m still thinking.

I feel sad for you, despite being angry when I was far away. It’s inevitable, I guess.
I look around and see the mess, I sigh and wonder why are you still blind. If you care at all, it’s the weirdest way to show it and if you don’t, why do I still feel compelled to care?
It’s a time of confusion for me. I don’t know if I’m made to handle this big rubber band ball of feelings. Different colours, different elasticity, intensity…

Why do some people get suffocated by guilt and yet some do not even know the meaning of it? Why would some people feel so guilty by doing/not doing something that are expected of them and yet some do not know what it means by putting themselves into other people’s shoes?

It’s okay if I don’t make sense to you. Like I said, it’s a time of confusion.

I want to bask in this moment for as long as possible – that I have some kind of property (albeit a depreciating one *hehe*) – but I have to be practical. Everyone’s telling me that I have to be. Everyone’s saying it’s just a car (ooo! Don’t let Phoebe hear this or she may sulk!) but I have a hard time even when THINKING of letting her go because she’s my first purchase. First BIG purchase and commitment. It’s been 5 years – that’s quite some time, y’know.

I really hate to be practical at this very moment.

Drag drag drag.

Complain complain complain.

I’m just not a morning person. Wish I was.
This is me still at home, and I’m already thinking, “I can’t wait to get home after work and sleep.”
Though, when I get back from work, I’m alert as ever.

Naturally, D is for days (my own deduction).

I’m excited to go to HongKong! I’m also excited to go home, of course – can’t wait to see everyone, especially mom. Yet, this is a bittersweet trip home for me. What makes it so – I am unable to divulge the information here but it’s definitely something close to heart.

Bittersweet may also be caused by the one-way ticket I’ve purchased this time. It’s a freedom to choose when I want to fly back to Malaysia, but at the same time, there is no urgency when I have no ticket’s expiry to worry about. I am still in the midst of deciding where I want to be semi-permanently and with this one-way ticket decision, at least I’ve got the country sorted (sort of)?
*shrugs*

Only God knows how sentimental I can be and how I can be so attached to things/places; that I do myself harm when I try so hard to hold on to the memories that live within them. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t look back and think of the bad that makes me sad. The irony is that when I think of the GOOD memories, I feel sad – because I know I can’t turn back time and lock them down in an indefinite loop, that I may never cease to bask in its happiness.

Perhaps it is (indeed) time to move on. Make new memories. Learn to let go. Mend broken heart strings and look forward to playing new tunes. Only reminisce about the good old times when in the presence of family/friends from those times because when all is done, we are comforted by the fact that those family/friends are still around us (thinking about the past alone is detrimental but when with company, it becomes the highlight).

I can’t wait to go back and catch up with family/friends. Are you excited about me coming back?

I don’t know what triggered it off but suddenly I’m feeling all panicky about my age. What have I achieved so far?!
I feel that I’ve not done much in my life – where did all the time go? It’s going to be a decade since I stepped into university and as reminded by HongHui, it’s our 12th year since we’ve left secondary school.

Have you ever thought about what you would be or be doing when you’re at a certain age? Or what you would WANT to have achieved by a certain age? Like how 15 year old Marshall wrote a letter to his 30 year old self (yes, many “re-runs” of How I Met Your Mother).

I’ve never been there. As in I’ve never thought about it.
Ask my teenage self what I would be doing now, I would probably say, “I don’t know.” She would never have dreamt or thought that she would be a pharmacist now, working in New Zealand.

Do I lack dream and ambition?
I have to admit, I’m still (very slowly) getting to know myself – so I can’t even think of what I want to see my older self achieving. I can only say I know what I would want to tell my younger self NOT to do – now with that, I have specific points I’d like to change or avoid.

I want to have my own place by the time I turn 30 – sadly, I don’t see things gearing towards that direction.
My “life plan” for the sake of my biological clock? It obviously did not coincide with God’s plans for me.
The life I envisioned before I got here is different from what it is now – where is my extra time for hobbies? I can only say it’s my own doings – not feeling motivated.

Ah!

I have a mixture of feelings at the moment when I think about family and friends. I miss the good old days of being under the same roof as my family, arguing with korkor, weekend visits to PJ/KL, hanging out after school, movies on weekends, etc. I miss my friends and time from school, other schools, college, uni, work in Seremban and KL.
It’s such a cliche but really, you don’t know what you’re missing till it’s gone.

I can’t wait to go back home but at the same time, I know it’s not going to be exactly the same as how I’ve left it. I know for a fact that if I continue to slack in my correspondence with friends, I will have nothing in the end.
I think about my best/close friends and I don’t seem to know them anymore – I did not keep myself updated with their changes/lives and I have a feeling I’m so far off that I’m probably more of an acquaintance than a friend now. I miss the young, gung-ho me – the one who keeps herself updated with what others are up to, the one who remembers people’s birthdays without referring to notes/calendars, the one who MAKES gifts, the one who writes, the one who calls…

Sorry if I’ve not written, or said hello, or asked, “How are you?” – just know that I have thought of you and have remembered you in prayers.

I do not want to turn into an old spinster with no friends because of my own doings.

Aging crisis…indeed.

If you make the wrong choice, it inevitably robs yourself of being able to give to those who are REALLY important to you – that is, your family.

I know how it feels when you are robbed of that privilege to give to your family, to make them happy. It is something you will never forget for the rest of your life.

To this day, I kick myself – because I know I had that choice. I wasn’t forced to make that choice, wasn’t coerced, wasn’t bribed. I made a bad call. I think it’s even denial of what it really was.

One day.