We’re leaving for Penang at 5am later and I’m still up.

By the time I got home from JJ’s and showered, it was about 1230am. Spent some time paying off some bills (two had outstanding balance and one of them is nearly RM300 to pay!) and doing some other banking matters.

It’s really difficult to let go of Phoebe because she’s my first very own, big commitment. I’ve JUST settled the last payment and have to go collect the release letter from KL. I feel like it’s a shame to let her go but if one is to take a pragmatic approach, it’s the best thing because I’m hardly here.

It’s just a number plate, FeR…let it go. You can get personalized plates in NZ, so it’s not difficult to get the same “number”. Same goes to your things in your room. And it’s just a room with four walls, you can get a room anywhere. Bring you books, it’ll be okay. The piano is a bit trickier because it belongs to both you and her – of course you wouldn’t want to see it go but if there is no choice, it’s better to let it go than to let it rot at home when you know Malaysia is notorious for having high humidity.

Why must I be so sentimental and FEEEEEEEEELING.
*sigh*

It’s the festive season and I’m depressing myself. I’d better pack my bag for Penang now.

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My two feet are swollen. They were this way the last time I came back, too.
Hot weather = swollen feet?

Phoebe is looking quite sad. It makes me upset to hear her creaking and rattling. I don’t think the reason is “poor quality make”, I think it’s because she was not taken care of (properly) when I was away. The way she is handled would also make her fall apart easier. Quite sakit hati to see my first big purchase coming to this. Maybe I should just let her go so that she could have a better life. I’m still thinking.

I feel sad for you, despite being angry when I was far away. It’s inevitable, I guess.
I look around and see the mess, I sigh and wonder why are you still blind. If you care at all, it’s the weirdest way to show it and if you don’t, why do I still feel compelled to care?
It’s a time of confusion for me. I don’t know if I’m made to handle this big rubber band ball of feelings. Different colours, different elasticity, intensity…

Why do some people get suffocated by guilt and yet some do not even know the meaning of it? Why would some people feel so guilty by doing/not doing something that are expected of them and yet some do not know what it means by putting themselves into other people’s shoes?

It’s okay if I don’t make sense to you. Like I said, it’s a time of confusion.

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Today I drove Phoebe to Jalan YapKwanSeng and paid for her last payment.
She is 100% mine from today onwards…and I’m contemplating getting rid of her. Not in the cant-wait-to-get-rid-of-her-ugh sense but more like thinking about how it’s not feasible for me to keep her when I’m only going to be back once a year or less. The current arrangement is not looking well because she’s not exactly being kept in tip-top condition (sad but true).

I want to bask in this moment for as long as possible – that I have some kind of property (albeit a depreciating one *hehe*) – but I have to be practical. Everyone’s telling me that I have to be. Everyone’s saying it’s just a car (ooo! Don’t let Phoebe hear this or she may sulk!) but I have a hard time even when THINKING of letting her go because she’s my first purchase. First BIG purchase and commitment. It’s been 5 years – that’s quite some time, y’know.

I really hate to be practical at this very moment.

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It’s going to be a drag going to work today. I’m not used to working the full shift with the one-hour lunch break anymore. Unnecessary waste of time when I could skip it and instead, come home earlier.

Drag drag drag.

Complain complain complain.

I’m just not a morning person. Wish I was.
This is me still at home, and I’m already thinking, “I can’t wait to get home after work and sleep.”
Though, when I get back from work, I’m alert as ever.

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T is liftoff time.
H is for hours.
M is for minutes.
S is for seconds.

Naturally, D is for days (my own deduction).

I’m excited to go to HongKong! I’m also excited to go home, of course – can’t wait to see everyone, especially mom. Yet, this is a bittersweet trip home for me. What makes it so – I am unable to divulge the information here but it’s definitely something close to heart.

Bittersweet may also be caused by the one-way ticket I’ve purchased this time. It’s a freedom to choose when I want to fly back to Malaysia, but at the same time, there is no urgency when I have no ticket’s expiry to worry about. I am still in the midst of deciding where I want to be semi-permanently and with this one-way ticket decision, at least I’ve got the country sorted (sort of)?
*shrugs*

Only God knows how sentimental I can be and how I can be so attached to things/places; that I do myself harm when I try so hard to hold on to the memories that live within them. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t look back and think of the bad that makes me sad. The irony is that when I think of the GOOD memories, I feel sad – because I know I can’t turn back time and lock them down in an indefinite loop, that I may never cease to bask in its happiness.

Perhaps it is (indeed) time to move on. Make new memories. Learn to let go. Mend broken heart strings and look forward to playing new tunes. Only reminisce about the good old times when in the presence of family/friends from those times because when all is done, we are comforted by the fact that those family/friends are still around us (thinking about the past alone is detrimental but when with company, it becomes the highlight).

I can’t wait to go back and catch up with family/friends. Are you excited about me coming back?

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