FeR

“Everything about you” that’s playing stirred what little memory I had of my dream last night. Just the one word.

I cried again in my dream.
It was hard – seeing someone having to give up the one thing that she has, the one thing that is hers. And yet she lets it go. How was she able to do that?

In my dream, it was a blue silk shoe. Looked like a child’s shoe – those little Chinese booties kind. It was only one. She didn’t have the pair. While we were walking down a path that looked like a shopping street (but I think it was the upper level because they were railings/glass at the side), someone caught up with us asking her to hand over the shoe. I felt that the whole thing was so unfair. She was asked to leave and while we were walking (I saw “we” were walking because I remember walking together but when things happened, I was watching from the sideline) this other person from where she was asked to leave came running to us and demanding that she handed over the shoe – which was hers! It didn’t belong to anyone else.

[It was a dream - I have no idea why the shoe was so important and why I would have such strong feelings towards her handing it over]

With a very sad, reluctant face, she slowly rummaged through her bag and the shoe appeared. She handed it over without saying anything (I think I grumbled about it at this points – about how she shouldn’t give it up and “they” had no right to take it).

That was the bit I remembered from the dream (apart from driving towards a dead end – which was a house – but the driveway was almost vertical!) that was linked to such strong emotions. Writing it down, it sounds petty and silly. Why did I feel that injustice has been done, then? It’s not fair that they want EVERY SINGLE bit that she has, that was truly hers and yet twist it as if she didn’t have a right to possess it.

I seem to have lost my enthusiasm. For everything.

It’s a weird feeling of wanting to do so much yet at the same time I’m reluctant to budge. Does that make sense?

Another part of me mourn the loss.
Loss of contact with many people. Loss of contact with family.

I’m not only talking about literal contact, I mean it in the sense of personal connection, too.
I see/read/hear about people meeting up with their old friends – the excitement from both ends are enviable.

I think about you but at the same time I feel like we’ve drifted so far apart that I have not much to say. This lack of knowledge of what to say holds me back from contact or in the event if I do, I have not much to add on after “How are you?”
Sure, I can update you about what’s going on with me but relationships are two-way connections. I feel like I’m the only one who feels guilty about not initiating contact. Why is it so when for that equal length of time, you did not contact me?

I have so much in my head that I’d really like to write down but I’m unmotivated to start. Why?! Then, as a result of my laziness, I get frustrated because I’ve not “let it out”.

I shall go lie in bed now.

We’re leaving for Penang at 5am later and I’m still up.

By the time I got home from JJ’s and showered, it was about 1230am. Spent some time paying off some bills (two had outstanding balance and one of them is nearly RM300 to pay!) and doing some other banking matters.

It’s really difficult to let go of Phoebe because she’s my first very own, big commitment. I’ve JUST settled the last payment and have to go collect the release letter from KL. I feel like it’s a shame to let her go but if one is to take a pragmatic approach, it’s the best thing because I’m hardly here.

It’s just a number plate, FeR…let it go. You can get personalized plates in NZ, so it’s not difficult to get the same “number”. Same goes to your things in your room. And it’s just a room with four walls, you can get a room anywhere. Bring you books, it’ll be okay. The piano is a bit trickier because it belongs to both you and her – of course you wouldn’t want to see it go but if there is no choice, it’s better to let it go than to let it rot at home when you know Malaysia is notorious for having high humidity.

Why must I be so sentimental and FEEEEEEEEELING.
*sigh*

It’s the festive season and I’m depressing myself. I’d better pack my bag for Penang now.

My two feet are swollen. They were this way the last time I came back, too.
Hot weather = swollen feet?

Phoebe is looking quite sad. It makes me upset to hear her creaking and rattling. I don’t think the reason is “poor quality make”, I think it’s because she was not taken care of (properly) when I was away. The way she is handled would also make her fall apart easier. Quite sakit hati to see my first big purchase coming to this. Maybe I should just let her go so that she could have a better life. I’m still thinking.

I feel sad for you, despite being angry when I was far away. It’s inevitable, I guess.
I look around and see the mess, I sigh and wonder why are you still blind. If you care at all, it’s the weirdest way to show it and if you don’t, why do I still feel compelled to care?
It’s a time of confusion for me. I don’t know if I’m made to handle this big rubber band ball of feelings. Different colours, different elasticity, intensity…

Why do some people get suffocated by guilt and yet some do not even know the meaning of it? Why would some people feel so guilty by doing/not doing something that are expected of them and yet some do not know what it means by putting themselves into other people’s shoes?

It’s okay if I don’t make sense to you. Like I said, it’s a time of confusion.

Today I drove Phoebe to Jalan YapKwanSeng and paid for her last payment.
She is 100% mine from today onwards…and I’m contemplating getting rid of her. Not in the cant-wait-to-get-rid-of-her-ugh sense but more like thinking about how it’s not feasible for me to keep her when I’m only going to be back once a year or less. The current arrangement is not looking well because she’s not exactly being kept in tip-top condition (sad but true).

I want to bask in this moment for as long as possible – that I have some kind of property (albeit a depreciating one *hehe*) – but I have to be practical. Everyone’s telling me that I have to be. Everyone’s saying it’s just a car (ooo! Don’t let Phoebe hear this or she may sulk!) but I have a hard time even when THINKING of letting her go because she’s my first purchase. First BIG purchase and commitment. It’s been 5 years – that’s quite some time, y’know.

I really hate to be practical at this very moment.