just me

Looking forward

by FeR on March 5, 2017 in personal,work













This is something that I will be looking forward to this year – I believe this is nearly at half point mark. This is one of the reasons why I left my permanent job to work as a locum for a year or so (depending on how I get on) – the other reason was to use the perks of a locum (travel and accommodation may be provided as well, so I choose accordingly) to see more of Australia.

I hope and pray that by the time it’s ready, I will be able to find something permanent near my new home. If I can’t, I will probably continue to locum until something comes up – in the meantime, I’ll try to plan a week or two between bookings in order to enjoy having my own space. :)


Spoke to me: Giants Fall

by FeR on January 1, 2017 in personal

Everyone’s telling you
To let go of what you’re holding to
It’s too late, too far
You’re too small, it’s too hard
Throwing water on that spark
Living deep inside your heart
With oceans of reasons
The things you’re not seeing
But oh, maybe they don’t
Know what you know
That you’re not alone

Don’t you be afraid
Of giants in your way
With God you know that anything’s possible
So step into the fight
He’s right there by your side
The stones inside your hand might be small
But watch the giants fall

– Francesca Battistelli –

I have my flaws, I made mistakes and I will probably continue to make them for as long as I live. Not ones that are intentional anyway (I will strive to not make any deliberately, of course). People try to reason or define you by what you’ve done or who you were in the past. I am not the same person today as what I was yesterday, last week or 10 years ago. On that same note, I also have to learn to extend that grace to others – believing them changed for the better. Maybe it’s my romantic self that wants to believe everyone deserves a happy ending. If a second chance is not given, how will one find reason to change anyway if they will always be seen as their mistake/past? 

2016 made me cry more than my entire time in Australia. For more reasons than one. Painful, confusing, crushing, feeling unloved and alone. Feelings stirred by (sadly) both family and friends. I did what was the only thing I knew to do. I ran to God. Funny how it’s at my lowest times that I feel closest to my Jesus. 

Slowly but surely, I am rebuilding my shield. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not shutting everyone out. What I mean (and I’m using Larrie’s words) is I will continue to be friendly but am learning to trust sparingly. I have this problem that I do not know how to filter people out. It’s probably my tendency to be too sentimental. How to be friendly and caring without being invested – that’s a skill for me to learn this year. However, I’ve been told by JoFo that this trait is what makes me, me. Caring to the point of hurting. That’s not a good thing to be??! I pray that regardless of how people treat me, I will continue to be true to myself. Some may say it’s stupid or risky to wear my heart on my sleeve but if it’s me, I believe those giants will indeed fall, by God’s grace. 

3 years since dad left us suddenly. As always, I really hope he did call out to God during his last moments. I hope to see him in heaven. 

I step into 2017, by choice, without having a permanent job. I am not without fear; uncertainties are scary. However, even when you are in a storm, it’s an opportunity to see a rainbow. 

Happy New Year!

P/S: this is such a mish mash of thoughts and it hasn’t got the best flow in terms of delivery – I’m jotting it down as I’m thinking of them. 


Mode: Shut down

by FeR on December 27, 2016 in personal

Some days, I shut down. I don’t want to try on those days and I don’t apologise for it. It’s an auto-pilot mode that cannot be over-ridden by any effort to make sense of things. I feel like sleeping, shutting everything/everyone out. I give up caring about others because it’s so tiring (painful, even). It’s one of those days that turn me into an ungrateful brat asking, “What about me?”

I don’t know if I’m alone in feeling like this. It doesn’t happen all the time but it makes an ugly appearance on rare occasions. 

I’m tired. 


Meal planning

by FeR on October 17, 2016 in personal

It’s been a while since I planned my meals. A long long while because I’m lazy and WY has been feeding me. 

I don’t know if the cause of my cystic acne is due to change of weather/water or the diet I have when I’m out of Malaysia. I never seem to have any problems when I lived in Malaysia. My first major break out is when I was in Glasgow for my final year of Uni and boy was it baaaaaaad! Instead of asking how am I, everyone asked me what happened to my face! :bum:

If it’s the weather, I’m doomed. Well, not doomed but it means I either have to be on the pill forever or I have to move to a tropical climate. I don’t really want to (I probably can, nothing is holding me back – but I don’t want to). 

If it’s diet (and this is what I’m testing out at the moment), I am happy to comply. I tried going gluten free for a bit in NZ but that did NOTHING for my skin. I’m not sure if it’s because I needed to be on it for a longer time or I needed to fix the breakouts first before I see any improvement from the change in diet. I will point out that I didn’t quit dairy at the same time. 

I am now working on the theory that maybe I have to have a more “Malaysian diet” in order to keep acne at bay. I don’t eat a lot of gluten or dairy in Malaysia (that’s why I’m not calling it a gluten and dairy free diet) but when I went overseas, I probably had more bread/pasta and dairy than I’ve ever had in my entire life in Malaysia. Truly. Dairy products are expensive in Malaysia (I’m also lactose intolerant) and bread is not eaten as much as I ate rice or noodles (I happen to favour rice noodles, so no gluten problems there!). This is my theory. If at the end of the day, it’s unexplained adult acne, at least I tried. 

I’ve stopped taking Diane-35 since end July. I have had some breakouts around the chin area (lower part of face) which apparently means that it’s due to hormonal imbalance (hmmm! That’s why I thought dairy may be the big culprit since you hear about all those hormones in them!) but I guess it’s still not as bad as when I tried stopping the pills back in NZ (I didn’t attempt any diet changes then). I switched to almond milk but still have a bit of milk at work or in baked goods. I’m trying not to eat so much bread or pasta (it’s so difficult because sandwiches and pasta are the easiest to have for all meals!) and really hope this change in diet helps keep my skin relatively clear. I really do not want to rely on the pill forever, especially when the side effects and my pre-existing medical conditions leaves me at the short end of the stick. 

The other thing I’m trying is spearmint tea. A research apparently has shown that spearmint tea has antiandrogenic properties in females with hirtuism but no research has been to assess whether that translates into clinical improvement of the condition. I am happy to try it – I love spearmint flavour! I never really enjoyed herbal teas but for the sake of clear skin, I am willing to drink all the herbal teas in the world! :lol:

Here is to my “Malaysian diet” trial (basically a low gluten and low dairy diet) and hope it works!


Spoke to me: Blessings

by FeR on May 1, 2016 in Him & faith,personal

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough

And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is
This is not our home
It’s not our home

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

– Laura Story –

I have not heard of this song until today when 姐 shared it with me. It puts a different perspective to how we see blessings in our lives. What if those tears and pain are a means to being blessed? Definitely something to think about and it’s somewhat a comfort if it’s true. The uncertainty in transition and the waiting…makes me restless. Yet I know that I’ve been told to wait. Wait patiently. There is strength/purpose/reason in the waiting. 

Psalm 27:14
Wait on the LORD;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the LORD!

Today has been an emotional day. From hearing about how someone took his own life, to how a prayer for a miracle was answered (goosebumps when I heard it!) When the pastor prophesied over a lady at church, I felt he was also ministering to me. He said something about a sudden/abrupt change/loss 11 years ago and how she told God, “I want this but if You don’t want this for me, I don’t want it either” – he told her that God now says, “I want you to have this.” There is also an unexplained excitement/anticipation in her and God has been preparing her. 

Let it be to me according to your word