just me

Week 2

by FeR on May 31, 2018 in blabs,personal

My last proper blog entry was back in December! I can’t believe it’s been that long. I wrote about seeing a fig tree and how I felt it was a sign for me to stop wandering around. Now, I’m at week 2 of my permanent job (God sent!). I can start planning my edible garden and I can finally start unpacking the rest of my things that are still in boxes.

I’ve been tired everyday after work and I really hope I’ll snap out of the lazy cycle of just wasting after work time with mindless TV programmes. I gave myself a week to settle in but I think I may need another! :P
From here on, I hope to be able to do a post a week. What about? All sorts, I guess. What’s happening around me or what I’m up to. I hope to remember the less “out there” days of my life.

Speaking of “out there”, I have been working/living away from tanahair for 10 years now. I left KLIA on the 27th of May 2008. 20 years ago was when we left school, too. Wow. I’ve never wondered about what I’ll be doing or where I’ll be at this age (when I was younger). I thought I’d be married with (two) kids by 30 (that was the “ideal” plan) but I guess I thought wrong. I have always wanted to live overseas. I’m not sure if I’ll have the life I have now if I had stayed. Or if it would’ve been better if I did stay. I only know that if I don’t give it a go, I will always wonder, “What if?” and that is why I left NZ at the end of 2013 to come to Australia. I don’t know if it’s better but I’m grateful for all that I’ve experienced (good or bad).

The me a decade ago was rather narrow minded and naive, quick to judge (these days I tryyyyy to give people the benefit of doubt) and held on to a secret that I thought I would’ve kept to my grave. I hope I am a better person now, through past experiences and relationship with others.

I have had this intermittent dull ache on the left upper quadrant for weeks now (I believe since early April). Because it went away, I didn’t think too much of it. When it kept happening for more than 3 weeks, my hypochondriac mind went into an overdrive thinking I may have an enlarged spleen (my rational mind says no). It still wasn’t enough to take me to the doctor and instead, I turned to my health industry friends in a group chat. I did not get any answers.

I finally took myself to the doctor today. I had no pain going into the doctor’s office. She palpated my abdominal areas and I had nothing to shout about. She told me that my symptoms were typical of someone with constipation (I don’t think I am, actually) and recommended a few weeks of osmotic laxatives. Everything was fine until I left the building. The pain started again (it’s still here while I’m typing this, 5 hours later). When I push into my left side, it feels slightly tender (a bruised feeling). Sigh.

I could’ve gotten my blood tests done today – if only I hadn’t eaten that ONE Hudson’s sweet (I had a tickle in my throat before the appointment!), I could’ve taken the lab request straight to the phlebotomist. Now, I have to wait for another day.

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Where is the wonder?

by FeR on December 8, 2017 in blabs,just me

I was supposed to meet up with another locum pharmacist for dinner (we met when I was working in Burra) tonight. I called the pub across from work and they were fully booked. The pageant (Christmas parade) was on tonight and we thought we could make a night out of it.

This always happen (no wonder I have no friends. No new friends, hah!). I make plans because I know I should get out and socialise more but then when it comes to the day, I secretly hope that the other party would cancel. Today, I got an out after telling her that the pub is fully booked. She suggested lunch tomorrow after work instead. I was happier with that arrangement because it beats hanging around on the street with the rest of the town (and beyond! Apparently this is the best pageant in the Riverland area) and waiting until 915pm (heh-lo? It’ll be near my bedtime :P ) for the fireworks.

As for the fireworks, I thought to myself that I could walk to the lakeside to view it at 915pm (to be fair, it had to be at a later time as the days are getting longer now). I completely forgot about heading out (already in PJs, too lazy to change out of it and care too much to be seen in it outside of home) when I heard the distant “boom boom”.

Fireworks.

It was sort of special when I could only view it once a year (New Year’s), I used to watch in wonderment. Used to look forward to them. Even waited in the rain (drenched) for them when I was in HK Disneyland with JoFo. Used to be something I find so beautiful and it can even be romantic. I shared my wonderment of fireworks with someone. That someone talked about marriage. Talked about Pangkor Laut. Talked about how you can set fireworks off at said island if one had a wedding there. I don’t know if I’ve become bitter and cynical. Or maybe I’m just more of a realist now. Maybe I’m more pragmatic now. Maybe I’m more green now. Maybe I just don’t like crowds. Maybe I’m just tired now. Maybe it’s not as exciting watching them by myself. Who knows.

Speaking of socialising, I just receive a message to say that lunch has been cancelled tomorrow, too. This time, I did not secretly wish for it. Then again, it’s not tomorrow yet. Hah! I will just have to go exploring elsewhere then. On my own.

I need a dog.

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Looking forward

by FeR on March 5, 2017 in personal,work

home

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is something that I will be looking forward to this year – I believe this is nearly at half point mark. This is one of the reasons why I left my permanent job to work as a locum for a year or so (depending on how I get on) – the other reason was to use the perks of a locum (travel and accommodation may be provided as well, so I choose accordingly) to see more of Australia.

I hope and pray that by the time it’s ready, I will be able to find something permanent near my new home. If I can’t, I will probably continue to locum until something comes up – in the meantime, I’ll try to plan a week or two between bookings in order to enjoy having my own space. :)

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Spoke to me: Giants Fall

by FeR on January 1, 2017 in personal

Everyone’s telling you
To let go of what you’re holding to
It’s too late, too far
You’re too small, it’s too hard
Throwing water on that spark
Living deep inside your heart
With oceans of reasons
The things you’re not seeing
But oh, maybe they don’t
Know what you know
That you’re not alone

Don’t you be afraid
Of giants in your way
With God you know that anything’s possible
So step into the fight
He’s right there by your side
The stones inside your hand might be small
But watch the giants fall

– Francesca Battistelli –

I have my flaws, I made mistakes and I will probably continue to make them for as long as I live. Not ones that are intentional anyway (I will strive to not make any deliberately, of course). People try to reason or define you by what you’ve done or who you were in the past. I am not the same person today as what I was yesterday, last week or 10 years ago. On that same note, I also have to learn to extend that grace to others – believing them changed for the better. Maybe it’s my romantic self that wants to believe everyone deserves a happy ending. If a second chance is not given, how will one find reason to change anyway if they will always be seen as their mistake/past? 

2016 made me cry more than my entire time in Australia. For more reasons than one. Painful, confusing, crushing, feeling unloved and alone. Feelings stirred by (sadly) both family and friends. I did what was the only thing I knew to do. I ran to God. Funny how it’s at my lowest times that I feel closest to my Jesus. 

Slowly but surely, I am rebuilding my shield. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not shutting everyone out. What I mean (and I’m using Larrie’s words) is I will continue to be friendly but am learning to trust sparingly. I have this problem that I do not know how to filter people out. It’s probably my tendency to be too sentimental. How to be friendly and caring without being invested – that’s a skill for me to learn this year. However, I’ve been told by JoFo that this trait is what makes me, me. Caring to the point of hurting. That’s not a good thing to be??! I pray that regardless of how people treat me, I will continue to be true to myself. Some may say it’s stupid or risky to wear my heart on my sleeve but if it’s me, I believe those giants will indeed fall, by God’s grace. 

3 years since dad left us suddenly. As always, I really hope he did call out to God during his last moments. I hope to see him in heaven. 

I step into 2017, by choice, without having a permanent job. I am not without fear; uncertainties are scary. However, even when you are in a storm, it’s an opportunity to see a rainbow. 

Happy New Year!

P/S: this is such a mish mash of thoughts and it hasn’t got the best flow in terms of delivery – I’m jotting it down as I’m thinking of them. 

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Mode: Shut down

by FeR on December 27, 2016 in personal

Some days, I shut down. I don’t want to try on those days and I don’t apologise for it. It’s an auto-pilot mode that cannot be over-ridden by any effort to make sense of things. I feel like sleeping, shutting everything/everyone out. I give up caring about others because it’s so tiring (painful, even). It’s one of those days that turn me into an ungrateful brat asking, “What about me?”

I don’t know if I’m alone in feeling like this. It doesn’t happen all the time but it makes an ugly appearance on rare occasions. 

I’m tired. 

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