just me

Protected: Verbal diarrhoea

by FeR on March 23, 2019 in personal

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Part-time tree hugger

by FeR on March 9, 2019 in blabs,personal

Ugly sad face FeR – if you look behind me, that’s how far the glacier has receded (Nov 2018). It would’ve looked so different if I managed to visit before I left NZ (between 2008-2013).

For those who know me personally (and long enough), you would’ve seen/known how I feel about the environment. You may have even experienced/seen the craziness of how far I’d go when it comes to waste. I am a part-time tree hugger. I do the best I can but I’m not extremely strict (I just avoid putting myself in that situation if I can help it) and during this NZ trip, I found out that one of Eve’s pet peeves was littering. She would pick up rubbish as we walk through parks/hikes. If everyone do that little bit, the world would probably be better off that how it is now.

When I finally had my own place, I was able to have my own rules. :lol:
My council provides a big roll of biodegradable bags every year to be used in our kitchen caddy (also provided by the council) for food scraps. I make full use of my green bin because they take all food scraps – even meat and bones. The downside is that the bin only gets emptied every fortnight. This isn’t too bad in winter but it’s terrible in summer – phooey! I still persevered, though. I know WY didn’t like doing this because it smelt and there is a risk of ants (or other pests) making their way into the bins – so even though we live in the same council area, I never pushed for it when I was living with her. Her house, her rules, eh!

Needless to say, recyclables go into the recycling bin. My council takes coffee cups (some don’t) even though I now try to avoid having coffee in disposable takeaway cups. The last time I was in SYD airport, I wanted to have coffee but noticed all the cafes serve their coffees only in disposable cups (even though you’re having it in store) – I went without. I know it may seem insignificant for little ‘ol me to refuse that one cup of coffee but this is me making my stand (where I can). Makes me question – why won’t you serve me coffee in a proper cup/mug if I’m going to sit in and take my time? I have a feeling they will just push it back to “convenience”. I may have to consider taking a reusable cup with me wherever I go, or especially when I’m flying some where because they also use disposable cups on planes.

Soft plastic is a subject that is a little controversial. I’m not sure if they really do recycle them (our local supermarkets take them, not the council) so to avoid this dilemma, I try to shop with less waste. Bulk food stores, Central Market, farmers’ market, grow my own(!), community swap, choose things that come without extra packaging – choices like that. It’s difficult to avoid it entirely and it pains me to see people choosing to use disposable stuff (or not recycle and throw everything in the general waste bin). I have to not think about it too much, especially at work when we have perfectly usable cutlery (albeit the state of cleanliness is a bit dubious :lol: but I always wash before use if I’m suspicious) – why do we need to create more rubbish? And there is an ongoing debacle about taking out the rubbish. :roll:

With all that in place, I hardly fill my general rubbish bin and probably take it out once a month (not because it’s full but because, well, I want it emptied). I think what you’d find most in my general rubbish bin is hair. :pfft: :lol:
When my family came to visit, that was when my rubbish bin was emptied every week – oh my… I sort of gave up and didn’t want to stress mum further about what goes where, what/where she can buy/not buy, etc. I get it that no one fully understands how I feel or why I do what I do, so I pretty much prefer to not have anyone “help” me sort the rubbish. Even when Eiz and JoFo came to visit, they said, “Ahhhh! Too complicated, we leave it here, okay?” That’s perfectly fine to me! :hee:

I still consume meat, I still eat junk food, I still drive a car, I still turn on my air conditioning – I just do to the best that I can. I try to plan in advance with a container if I’m getting takeaway food, I avoid buying fruits/veges wrapped in plastic, I try to choose paper packaging if I don’t go to the bulk food store (eg. sugar – I pay more to buy the paper packaged brand from the supermarket), I take my rubbish home to recycle/compost, I reverted back to soap bars (I buy them from Central Market, no packaging!) and if time permits, I bus to the city. I think the most waste I’ve created is from buying things from Bunnings :pfft: – all those bags of compost/manure and potting mix.
I do try to consume less, buy less. We really do not NEED a lot of things in life. I have trimmed my wardrobe down considerably and be more conscious about buying better quality stuff that will lasts longer than fast fashion (though they are all very cute and tempting, price wise!). Mum is appalled at me buying second hand furniture! :lol:

If you have a bucket list of places to visit, do it soon. You never know if it’ll still be there in 5-10 years’ time (at the rate the world is going). Then again, air travel is not the most environmentally friendly mode of transportation. Yet I do this quite often. Ah! See the dilemma?

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Spoke to me: Dear Younger Me

by FeR on March 3, 2019 in Him & faith,just me

Dear younger me
Where do I start
If I could tell you everything that I have learned so far
Then you could be one step ahead
Of all the painful memories still running thru my head
I wonder how much different things would be, dear younger me

Dear younger me
I cannot decide
Do I give some speech about how to get the most out of your life
Or do I go deep
And try to change
The choices that you’ll make ’cause they’re choices that made me
Even though I love this crazy life
Sometimes I wish it was a smoother ride, dear younger me
Dear younger me

If I knew then what I know now
Condemnation would’ve had no power
My joy my pain would’ve never been my worth
If I knew then what I know now
Would’ve not been hard to figure out
What I would’ve changed if I had heard

Dear younger me
It’s not your fault
You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross

Dear younger me

You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed
Every mountain every valley
Thru each heartache you will see
Every moment brings you closer
To who you were meant to be, dear younger me
Dear younger me

– MercyMe –

I recently got to know someone who reminded me of ACK. The way he speaks, the seemingly kindred spirit, the family story, the frankness when we talked about various topics. The MIA was also pretty similar :lol: but the expectation was not set in any romantic tones, so it made me wonder for a moment if I have offended him. I liked having the option to use a second language and still be understood – as he puts it, “it’s a breath of fresh air” when you get to talk to someone whom you seem to get along well with and the English language sometimes fail to articulate the same meaning of a word in the other language. Anyway, he has chosen to cease communication (the young ‘uns call this “ghosting” – well, ACK mastered that even before there was a term for it!) and I’ve said my piece (nothing nasty, I have no bad blood with this sort-of-stranger person).

Then there was another that was refreshingly honest and I felt like I could be pretty straightforward with him, too. Our values seem similar and I find it endearing and precious when a dad is so hands on. He could probably write a book of funny conversations he has with/of his kids. Our conversations are pretty random – from dad jokes/puns to serious things like what we want for ourselves (separately, don’t be creepy! This is a person I’ve just met) in the future. Perhaps introverts connect better without meeting each other – it all seemed better before meeting in person anyway. It’s all downhill after our meeting – which makes me wonder, maybe there IS something wrong with me. I’m the common denominator. :roll: I don’t think I can call him a friend friend because I don’t think we will ever hang out as friends do from here on. This reminds me of my chat with another person – we just stopped because there wasn’t much to talk about (?) and we just play Scrabble online now. :lol: So I guess he is now the void that I send puns to (or maybe not – because you can tell how they actually don’t want to hear from you anymore but is too painfully polite to say so).

Speaking of being honest, I don’t think I’ve written about this before. When I heard this song and got to “painful memories”, my mind just went back to this particular time in my life. Likely triggered by the aforementioned two incidents. You know what they say about smell triggering memories? Mine was triggered by these…rejections? I know it’s not but that’s the closest explanation, I guess. The memory was of me, waking up super early at 哥哥’s place and seeing the sun rise from his balcony. My brother has left for work and I received a message that I was expecting but still made me feel like I got hit hard in the gut. I don’t think anyone can be fully prepared for anything that comes your way, even if you KNOW beforehand what’s coming.

Yes, I cried.
Okay, fiiiiiiine. I bawled.
I have not cried that hard since I was a child? The kind where you get SOB (shortness of breath! Not anything bad, okay!) because your lungs struggle to get air in. I remember saying to God that I will STILL choose to praise Him for the answer I got given. I couldn’t sleep and I had no appetite; the scary bit was being unable to sleep because whenever I am upset, sleep was my only comfort. The biggest lie out of all this was that we could be friends. It was just me being crazy and probably wanting to hang on or be 瀟灑 about the entire ordeal. :pfft:
It was an unexplainable pain – pain that I don’t even remember feeling when ACK went MIA :P It was felt physically right in the chest. It all came back (the memory of it) when I went through these things recently. I’m not sure why. I remember wondering if I made the wrong choice of being completely honest; wondered if I should have kept my mouth shut. Within 48 hours, everything that was said and done – they were all taken back. It had become meaningless. Everything. Including me (what felt like). Everything that was supposedly good in me did not mean a single thing, it held no weight whatsoever. My character and integrity were (seemingly) on the line (I hate that feeling). I have suddenly turned from being a catch to a horrifying nightmare or a deadly disease. This all happened even before it got to be classified as a relationship. :sidelook:
It made me questioned myself – maybe I’ve always been delusional about myself. Maybe I’m not that good or kind or considerate or thoughtful – everything that others have said of me or what I thought I stood for, all lies? It wasn’t nice, it made me feel really bad about myself – like I was a fake.

That was my little drama. Like the song, I’m not sure if I’ll change anything of my past. On one hand, it’s what makes me me now. On the other hand, telling my younger self about all these may avoid her going through all that pain. If I avoided that ONE thing (I believe that could be a crucial turning point of how my life would’ve ended differently) – that one thing was choosing perhaps NOT to make that phone call on Connie’s balcony. Things would DEFINITELY be different. I have no doubt of it. Maybe I won’t be living here now. I think I am a better person now and all that I’ve gone through were key in shaping me to who I am now. Tough choice, eh.

What would you do?

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Week 2

by FeR on May 31, 2018 in blabs,personal

My last proper blog entry was back in December! I can’t believe it’s been that long. I wrote about seeing a fig tree and how I felt it was a sign for me to stop wandering around. Now, I’m at week 2 of my permanent job (God sent!). I can start planning my edible garden and I can finally start unpacking the rest of my things that are still in boxes.

I’ve been tired everyday after work and I really hope I’ll snap out of the lazy cycle of just wasting after work time with mindless TV programmes. I gave myself a week to settle in but I think I may need another! :P
From here on, I hope to be able to do a post a week. What about? All sorts, I guess. What’s happening around me or what I’m up to. I hope to remember the less “out there” days of my life.

Speaking of “out there”, I have been working/living away from tanahair for 10 years now. I left KLIA on the 27th of May 2008. 20 years ago was when we left school, too. Wow. I’ve never wondered about what I’ll be doing or where I’ll be at this age (when I was younger). I thought I’d be married with (two) kids by 30 (that was the “ideal” plan) but I guess I thought wrong. I have always wanted to live overseas. I’m not sure if I’ll have the life I have now if I had stayed. Or if it would’ve been better if I did stay. I only know that if I don’t give it a go, I will always wonder, “What if?” and that is why I left NZ at the end of 2013 to come to Australia. I don’t know if it’s better but I’m grateful for all that I’ve experienced (good or bad).

The me a decade ago was rather narrow minded and naive, quick to judge (these days I tryyyyy to give people the benefit of doubt) and held on to a secret that I thought I would’ve kept to my grave. I hope I am a better person now, through past experiences and relationship with others.

I have had this intermittent dull ache on the left upper quadrant for weeks now (I believe since early April). Because it went away, I didn’t think too much of it. When it kept happening for more than 3 weeks, my hypochondriac mind went into an overdrive thinking I may have an enlarged spleen (my rational mind says no). It still wasn’t enough to take me to the doctor and instead, I turned to my health industry friends in a group chat. I did not get any answers.

I finally took myself to the doctor today. I had no pain going into the doctor’s office. She palpated my abdominal areas and I had nothing to shout about. She told me that my symptoms were typical of someone with constipation (I don’t think I am, actually) and recommended a few weeks of osmotic laxatives. Everything was fine until I left the building. The pain started again (it’s still here while I’m typing this, 5 hours later). When I push into my left side, it feels slightly tender (a bruised feeling). Sigh.

I could’ve gotten my blood tests done today – if only I hadn’t eaten that ONE Hudson’s sweet (I had a tickle in my throat before the appointment!), I could’ve taken the lab request straight to the phlebotomist. Now, I have to wait for another day.

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Where is the wonder?

by FeR on December 8, 2017 in blabs,just me

I was supposed to meet up with another locum pharmacist for dinner (we met when I was working in Burra) tonight. I called the pub across from work and they were fully booked. The pageant (Christmas parade) was on tonight and we thought we could make a night out of it.

This always happen (no wonder I have no friends. No new friends, hah!). I make plans because I know I should get out and socialise more but then when it comes to the day, I secretly hope that the other party would cancel. Today, I got an out after telling her that the pub is fully booked. She suggested lunch tomorrow after work instead. I was happier with that arrangement because it beats hanging around on the street with the rest of the town (and beyond! Apparently this is the best pageant in the Riverland area) and waiting until 915pm (heh-lo? It’ll be near my bedtime :P ) for the fireworks.

As for the fireworks, I thought to myself that I could walk to the lakeside to view it at 915pm (to be fair, it had to be at a later time as the days are getting longer now). I completely forgot about heading out (already in PJs, too lazy to change out of it and care too much to be seen in it outside of home) when I heard the distant “boom boom”.

Fireworks.

It was sort of special when I could only view it once a year (New Year’s), I used to watch in wonderment. Used to look forward to them. Even waited in the rain (drenched) for them when I was in HK Disneyland with JoFo. Used to be something I find so beautiful and it can even be romantic. I shared my wonderment of fireworks with someone. That someone talked about marriage. Talked about Pangkor Laut. Talked about how you can set fireworks off at said island if one had a wedding there. I don’t know if I’ve become bitter and cynical. Or maybe I’m just more of a realist now. Maybe I’m more pragmatic now. Maybe I’m more green now. Maybe I just don’t like crowds. Maybe I’m just tired now. Maybe it’s not as exciting watching them by myself. Who knows.

Speaking of socialising, I just receive a message to say that lunch has been cancelled tomorrow, too. This time, I did not secretly wish for it. Then again, it’s not tomorrow yet. Hah! I will just have to go exploring elsewhere then. On my own.

I need a dog.

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