We’re leaving for Penang at 5am later and I’m still up.

By the time I got home from JJ’s and showered, it was about 1230am. Spent some time paying off some bills (two had outstanding balance and one of them is nearly RM300 to pay!) and doing some other banking matters.

It’s really difficult to let go of Phoebe because she’s my first very own, big commitment. I’ve JUST settled the last payment and have to go collect the release letter from KL. I feel like it’s a shame to let her go but if one is to take a pragmatic approach, it’s the best thing because I’m hardly here.

It’s just a number plate, FeR…let it go. You can get personalized plates in NZ, so it’s not difficult to get the same “number”. Same goes to your things in your room. And it’s just a room with four walls, you can get a room anywhere. Bring you books, it’ll be okay. The piano is a bit trickier because it belongs to both you and her – of course you wouldn’t want to see it go but if there is no choice, it’s better to let it go than to let it rot at home when you know Malaysia is notorious for having high humidity.

Why must I be so sentimental and FEEEEEEEEELING.
*sigh*

It’s the festive season and I’m depressing myself. I’d better pack my bag for Penang now.

Posted by FeR under personal
3 Comments »

My two feet are swollen. They were this way the last time I came back, too.
Hot weather = swollen feet?

Phoebe is looking quite sad. It makes me upset to hear her creaking and rattling. I don’t think the reason is “poor quality make”, I think it’s because she was not taken care of (properly) when I was away. The way she is handled would also make her fall apart easier. Quite sakit hati to see my first big purchase coming to this. Maybe I should just let her go so that she could have a better life. I’m still thinking.

I feel sad for you, despite being angry when I was far away. It’s inevitable, I guess.
I look around and see the mess, I sigh and wonder why are you still blind. If you care at all, it’s the weirdest way to show it and if you don’t, why do I still feel compelled to care?
It’s a time of confusion for me. I don’t know if I’m made to handle this big rubber band ball of feelings. Different colours, different elasticity, intensity…

Why do some people get suffocated by guilt and yet some do not even know the meaning of it? Why would some people feel so guilty by doing/not doing something that are expected of them and yet some do not know what it means by putting themselves into other people’s shoes?

It’s okay if I don’t make sense to you. Like I said, it’s a time of confusion.

Posted by FeR under personal
Comments Off

Today I drove Phoebe to Jalan YapKwanSeng and paid for her last payment.
She is 100% mine from today onwards…and I’m contemplating getting rid of her. Not in the cant-wait-to-get-rid-of-her-ugh sense but more like thinking about how it’s not feasible for me to keep her when I’m only going to be back once a year or less. The current arrangement is not looking well because she’s not exactly being kept in tip-top condition (sad but true).

I want to bask in this moment for as long as possible – that I have some kind of property (albeit a depreciating one *hehe*) – but I have to be practical. Everyone’s telling me that I have to be. Everyone’s saying it’s just a car (ooo! Don’t let Phoebe hear this or she may sulk!) but I have a hard time even when THINKING of letting her go because she’s my first purchase. First BIG purchase and commitment. It’s been 5 years – that’s quite some time, y’know.

I really hate to be practical at this very moment.

Posted by FeR under personal
Comments Off

1. A day off on Monday when it’s my stretch-week.

2. Boxes that arrived a week early.

3. Books that were not what I thought I ordered (that’s just dumb on my part).

4. Finishing 3 books in 2 days.

—

What is NOT surprising:

1. It’s only been 4 hours but I’m already sick of the kid. Too much unnecessary winding up of flatmate/disgusting-and-on-purpose loud burping/whinging/stomping and screaming around the house…and being so kurang-ajar-nak-kena-pelempang towards flatmate (which is what irritates me THE MOST – disrespectful!). 4 weeks without all these have been soooo good and even made me wonder, “Why would I think of leaving?”

2. My basket of laundry is still sitting in its basket. Clean, but still in the basket.

3. I’ve been in the house the entire day – in jimjams. ChristmasElf-like (all green!).

4. I didn’t get to finish (yet) the CliniciansTraining I planned for today.

5. I had “dinner” at 350pm and I’m hungry now.

Oh well! You can’t win ‘em all!

Posted by FeR under just me
No Comments »

Woke up at 3am…to go to the loo.

Anyway, yesterday I had the saddest dream and I cried in it.
Well, more like bawled.

The dream was about family, lost+found, abandonment, betrayal, shock, failure – all in separate flashes of events in my dream.

Don’t leave me here.
I definitely did not want to stay in that dream – it was awful.
[Photo taken in December 2008 - I was trying to look scared at the thought of being locked in the woodshed - but I've got a slight smirk here. ]

Posted by FeR under just me
4 Comments »