Him & faith

Spoke to me: Dear Younger Me

by FeR on March 3, 2019 in Him & faith,just me

Dear younger me
Where do I start
If I could tell you everything that I have learned so far
Then you could be one step ahead
Of all the painful memories still running thru my head
I wonder how much different things would be, dear younger me

Dear younger me
I cannot decide
Do I give some speech about how to get the most out of your life
Or do I go deep
And try to change
The choices that you’ll make ’cause they’re choices that made me
Even though I love this crazy life
Sometimes I wish it was a smoother ride, dear younger me
Dear younger me

If I knew then what I know now
Condemnation would’ve had no power
My joy my pain would’ve never been my worth
If I knew then what I know now
Would’ve not been hard to figure out
What I would’ve changed if I had heard

Dear younger me
It’s not your fault
You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross

Dear younger me

You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed
Every mountain every valley
Thru each heartache you will see
Every moment brings you closer
To who you were meant to be, dear younger me
Dear younger me

– MercyMe –

I recently got to know someone who reminded me of ACK. The way he speaks, the seemingly kindred spirit, the family story, the frankness when we talked about various topics. The MIA was also pretty similar :lol: but the expectation was not set in any romantic tones, so it made me wonder for a moment if I have offended him. I liked having the option to use a second language and still be understood – as he puts it, “it’s a breath of fresh air” when you get to talk to someone whom you seem to get along well with and the English language sometimes fail to articulate the same meaning of a word in the other language. Anyway, he has chosen to cease communication (the young ‘uns call this “ghosting” – well, ACK mastered that even before there was a term for it!) and I’ve said my piece (nothing nasty, I have no bad blood with this sort-of-stranger person).

Then there was another that was refreshingly honest and I felt like I could be pretty straightforward with him, too. Our values seem similar and I find it endearing and precious when a dad is so hands on. He could probably write a book of funny conversations he has with/of his kids. Our conversations are pretty random – from dad jokes/puns to serious things like what we want for ourselves (separately, don’t be creepy! This is a person I’ve just met) in the future. Perhaps introverts connect better without meeting each other – it all seemed better before meeting in person anyway. It’s all downhill after our meeting – which makes me wonder, maybe there IS something wrong with me. I’m the common denominator. :roll: I don’t think I can call him a friend friend because I don’t think we will ever hang out as friends do from here on. This reminds me of my chat with another person – we just stopped because there wasn’t much to talk about (?) and we just play Scrabble online now. :lol: So I guess he is now the void that I send puns to (or maybe not – because you can tell how they actually don’t want to hear from you anymore but is too painfully polite to say so).

Speaking of being honest, I don’t think I’ve written about this before. When I heard this song and got to “painful memories”, my mind just went back to this particular time in my life. Likely triggered by the aforementioned two incidents. You know what they say about smell triggering memories? Mine was triggered by these…rejections? I know it’s not but that’s the closest explanation, I guess. The memory was of me, waking up super early at 哥哥’s place and seeing the sun rise from his balcony. My brother has left for work and I received a message that I was expecting but still made me feel like I got hit hard in the gut. I don’t think anyone can be fully prepared for anything that comes your way, even if you KNOW beforehand what’s coming.

Yes, I cried.
Okay, fiiiiiiine. I bawled.
I have not cried that hard since I was a child? The kind where you get SOB (shortness of breath! Not anything bad, okay!) because your lungs struggle to get air in. I remember saying to God that I will STILL choose to praise Him for the answer I got given. I couldn’t sleep and I had no appetite; the scary bit was being unable to sleep because whenever I am upset, sleep was my only comfort. The biggest lie out of all this was that we could be friends. It was just me being crazy and probably wanting to hang on or be 瀟灑 about the entire ordeal. :pfft:
It was an unexplainable pain – pain that I don’t even remember feeling when ACK went MIA :P It was felt physically right in the chest. It all came back (the memory of it) when I went through these things recently. I’m not sure why. I remember wondering if I made the wrong choice of being completely honest; wondered if I should have kept my mouth shut. Within 48 hours, everything that was said and done – they were all taken back. It had become meaningless. Everything. Including me (what felt like). Everything that was supposedly good in me did not mean a single thing, it held no weight whatsoever. My character and integrity were (seemingly) on the line (I hate that feeling). I have suddenly turned from being a catch to a horrifying nightmare or a deadly disease. This all happened even before it got to be classified as a relationship. :sidelook:
It made me questioned myself – maybe I’ve always been delusional about myself. Maybe I’m not that good or kind or considerate or thoughtful – everything that others have said of me or what I thought I stood for, all lies? It wasn’t nice, it made me feel really bad about myself – like I was a fake.

That was my little drama. Like the song, I’m not sure if I’ll change anything of my past. On one hand, it’s what makes me me now. On the other hand, telling my younger self about all these may avoid her going through all that pain. If I avoided that ONE thing (I believe that could be a crucial turning point of how my life would’ve ended differently) – that one thing was choosing perhaps NOT to make that phone call on Connie’s balcony. Things would DEFINITELY be different. I have no doubt of it. Maybe I won’t be living here now. I think I am a better person now and all that I’ve gone through were key in shaping me to who I am now. Tough choice, eh.

What would you do?

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Spoke to me: Blessings

by FeR on May 1, 2016 in Him & faith,personal

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough

And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is
not,
This is not our home
It’s not our home


What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy


What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

– Laura Story –

I have not heard of this song until today when 姐 shared it with me. It puts a different perspective to how we see blessings in our lives. What if those tears and pain are a means to being blessed? Definitely something to think about and it’s somewhat a comfort if it’s true. The uncertainty in transition and the waiting…makes me restless. Yet I know that I’ve been told to wait. Wait patiently. There is strength/purpose/reason in the waiting. 

Psalm 27:14
Wait on the LORD;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the LORD!

Today has been an emotional day. From hearing about how someone took his own life, to how a prayer for a miracle was answered (goosebumps when I heard it!) When the pastor prophesied over a lady at church, I felt he was also ministering to me. He said something about a sudden/abrupt change/loss 11 years ago and how she told God, “I want this but if You don’t want this for me, I don’t want it either” – he told her that God now says, “I want you to have this.” There is also an unexplained excitement/anticipation in her and God has been preparing her. 

Let it be to me according to your word

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Lonely

by FeR on March 15, 2016 in blabs,Him & faith,stories

I had a busy day at work today but I’m really glad that it was a quiet moment when she came to pick up her items. 

It started from her telling me that the CoQ10 did nothing for her and that she still felt very tired and fatigued. As I gently probed for more details, she said she was waiting for surgery to fix her knee and that won’t happen until June. Living with physical pain is debilitating. It really sucks everything out of you. I felt sorry for her. 

Then there was death and loneliness. Death caused the loneliness despite having children and friends. The first step was to admit it, that you feel lonely. I think society is not very sympathetic towards lonely people. Everyone is too busy. I was told, “Oh, but they have their own family and issues.” I told her I believe family is family and true friends won’t bat an eyelid if you are honest with them. It doesn’t have to be an elaborate event with pomp and fuss, it can just be hanging out in the same room or a quick meal or a grocery run or even if it’s just sitting in the car while your children sends your grandchildren to their activities. Since when do family members have to be so 客氣 with each other? To worry about, “Am I imposing? Is she comfortable? Am I taking up their time?” 

When it comes to something like this, I’m glad to be Asian. We don’t have to be so uptight about personal space or privacy sometimes (although ironically, those are the very things that annoys me too!). For someone who has family and friends around her, yet be afraid to ask them for their company…it’s sad. I would feel horrible if my mother is ever made to feel that way when I am within driving distance from her. I’m not saying that they don’t care, but why is she made to feel afraid to reach out for company? That she is a burden or that she may be imposing herself on others? 

Loneliness is a real thing. I’m sorry she has to go back to an empty home where there were lots of memories with the person she loved. I do hope that one day, this same home will be a place that would make her feel happy again. I hope she will take baby steps to get better. Not wanting to get out of bed is not a good sign, and I’m not talking about the lazy cold mornings. 

I told her I truly understood how she felt. My life overseas have been lonely, especially in the beginning of a new place. That’s why I was somewhat reluctant to move here, knowing well that starting again is tough. No man is an island. I know I made friends eventually but those who truly knows me (whom I’m also utterly comfortable with to be myself) were not within driving distance for me to hang out with. They were not even in the same time zone for me to call! My family is scattered over 3 different continents – it’s meaningless (but we’re working on that). Oh my dear heart! How it felt every emotion when she told me her story. I could see tears brimming as she tried to hold them back. 

As she picked up her bags, “Thank you for talking to me.”

Oh my heart! I thank God for putting me there today and I hope she feels better from having someone to talk to. 

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Spoke to me: You Hold Me Now

by FeR on March 2, 2016 in Him & faith

In this life I will stand through my joy and my pain
Knowing there’s a greater day, there’s a hope that never fails.
Where Your name is lifted high and forever praises rise
For the glory of Your name, I’m believing for the day
Where the wars and violence cease, all creation lives in peace

Let the songs of heaven rise to You alone

No weeping, no hurt or pain, no suffering
You hold me now, You hold me now
No darkness, no sick or lame, no hiding
You hold me now, You hold me now

Your Kingdom come, Your will be done
Here on earth as it is in heaven

– Hillsong –

I think of dad when it comes to the chorus. I think of personal hurts. I think of the bad news we often hear about. 

I cling on to Your promises. That’s all I can do at the moment as nothing else makes sense and I don’t know how else to cope. I am tired of feeling this way, how long more? I drove into a spot of shower on the way home from my first aid course today and looked around for a rainbow (sadly, saw none). 

I feel bad for crying in front of my family, especially mom. I do not want them to worry. By God’s grace I will get there. I pray daily that it will be sooner than later. 

“I’m a Christian. I’m not perfect. Just because I mess up sometimes doesn’t mean I’m fake. There’s no such thing as a perfect Christian.”
From Jarrid Wilson’s tweet.

I believe one is more likely to have a greater capacity of extending grace when one has experienced great grace. Not to say those who hasn’t cannot possibly be full of grace but let’s face it, we are human. It is easier to put ourselves in the shoes of others when you’ve experienced it yourself, first hand. When you bare yourself and brace yourself for the worst…then you get a hug to say they wish you didn’t have to go through the ordeal on your own. There are no words to express the overwhelming gratitude and relief; there is no other way to release that ball of emotion except to cry. You’ve seen me in all my ugliness and yet love me, how is that possible?

Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen

I am neither brave nor strong, I don’t understand why would anyone say that. I feel anything but. I will turn all praise to You. I will give all the glory to You. I will choose to praise You even when I feel defeated. I will choose to praise You even when I don’t understand the reason (yet). I will choose to praise You even when I hurt. I will choose to praise You even when I seem to find no comfort. I will choose to praise You even when I feel lost. I will choose to praise You even if the world gave me all the reasons not to. It was a decision made, a commitment I will honour. All the days of my life. Even though I may have stumbled, by Your grace I will never ever stumble over the same stone again. My commitment to You is the driving force of why I am who I am today. 

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Spoke to me: All My Life

by FeR on November 6, 2015 in Him & faith

My freedom, my reason,
my Saviour that’s what you are to me
You free me, complete me,
my Saviour that’s what you are
There no other like You, there’s no one beside You
You’re more than my heart can contain

I will love You all my life,
for You are my reason,
the One that I live for
I will love You all my life,
for You are my reason
You’re the One that I live for

– Parachute Band –

This song.

This time around, I’m not exactly sure why I’m more emotional about leaving home. Perhaps it’s being surrounded by family and close friends for 4 weeks, then coming back here with a realisation that apart from WY, I don’t have any other close friends I can hang out with. Yes, I know I have NN here but it’s not the same.
Actually, it’s not emotional about leaving (I had no problems at KLIA. In fact, I was slightly annoyed that I couldn’t head to the gate earlier) but rather, feeling emotionally empty about being back here. Yes, there were tears. Unexplained and probably unnecessary but totally suited the moment (I started to feel unwell after my first day back at work and also *ahem* I had pains of other kind that could also contribute to my emo-ness). I felt listless at work and on my way back from work on Thursday, I just broke down and prayed for God to take away the heaviness in my heart. I cried all the way home.

This song.
This song came up when I drove to work on Friday. It was a reminder of where my heart should be. A reminder of who I live for. A reminder of my source of joy. Then, right after this song came “Nothing Compares”.
:hee:
You and Your sense of humour, God.

Thank You for the reminder.

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