Him & faith

Spoke to me: Blessings

by FeR on May 1, 2016 in Him & faith,personal

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough

And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is
not,
This is not our home
It’s not our home


What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy


What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

– Laura Story –

I have not heard of this song until today when 姐 shared it with me. It puts a different perspective to how we see blessings in our lives. What if those tears and pain are a means to being blessed? Definitely something to think about and it’s somewhat a comfort if it’s true. The uncertainty in transition and the waiting…makes me restless. Yet I know that I’ve been told to wait. Wait patiently. There is strength/purpose/reason in the waiting. 

Psalm 27:14
Wait on the LORD;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the LORD!

Today has been an emotional day. From hearing about how someone took his own life, to how a prayer for a miracle was answered (goosebumps when I heard it!) When the pastor prophesied over a lady at church, I felt he was also ministering to me. He said something about a sudden/abrupt change/loss 11 years ago and how she told God, “I want this but if You don’t want this for me, I don’t want it either” – he told her that God now says, “I want you to have this.” There is also an unexplained excitement/anticipation in her and God has been preparing her. 

Let it be to me according to your word

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Lonely

by FeR on March 15, 2016 in blabs,Him & faith,stories

I had a busy day at work today but I’m really glad that it was a quiet moment when she came to pick up her items. 

It started from her telling me that the CoQ10 did nothing for her and that she still felt very tired and fatigued. As I gently probed for more details, she said she was waiting for surgery to fix her knee and that won’t happen until June. Living with physical pain is debilitating. It really sucks everything out of you. I felt sorry for her. 

Then there was death and loneliness. Death caused the loneliness despite having children and friends. The first step was to admit it, that you feel lonely. I think society is not very sympathetic towards lonely people. Everyone is too busy. I was told, “Oh, but they have their own family and issues.” I told her I believe family is family and true friends won’t bat an eyelid if you are honest with them. It doesn’t have to be an elaborate event with pomp and fuss, it can just be hanging out in the same room or a quick meal or a grocery run or even if it’s just sitting in the car while your children sends your grandchildren to their activities. Since when do family members have to be so 客氣 with each other? To worry about, “Am I imposing? Is she comfortable? Am I taking up their time?” 

When it comes to something like this, I’m glad to be Asian. We don’t have to be so uptight about personal space or privacy sometimes (although ironically, those are the very things that annoys me too!). For someone who has family and friends around her, yet be afraid to ask them for their company…it’s sad. I would feel horrible if my mother is ever made to feel that way when I am within driving distance from her. I’m not saying that they don’t care, but why is she made to feel afraid to reach out for company? That she is a burden or that she may be imposing herself on others? 

Loneliness is a real thing. I’m sorry she has to go back to an empty home where there were lots of memories with the person she loved. I do hope that one day, this same home will be a place that would make her feel happy again. I hope she will take baby steps to get better. Not wanting to get out of bed is not a good sign, and I’m not talking about the lazy cold mornings. 

I told her I truly understood how she felt. My life overseas have been lonely, especially in the beginning of a new place. That’s why I was somewhat reluctant to move here, knowing well that starting again is tough. No man is an island. I know I made friends eventually but those who truly knows me (whom I’m also utterly comfortable with to be myself) were not within driving distance for me to hang out with. They were not even in the same time zone for me to call! My family is scattered over 3 different continents – it’s meaningless (but we’re working on that). Oh my dear heart! How it felt every emotion when she told me her story. I could see tears brimming as she tried to hold them back. 

As she picked up her bags, “Thank you for talking to me.”

Oh my heart! I thank God for putting me there today and I hope she feels better from having someone to talk to. 

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Spoke to me: You Hold Me Now

by FeR on March 2, 2016 in Him & faith

In this life I will stand through my joy and my pain
Knowing there’s a greater day, there’s a hope that never fails.
Where Your name is lifted high and forever praises rise
For the glory of Your name, I’m believing for the day
Where the wars and violence cease, all creation lives in peace

Let the songs of heaven rise to You alone

No weeping, no hurt or pain, no suffering
You hold me now, You hold me now
No darkness, no sick or lame, no hiding
You hold me now, You hold me now

Your Kingdom come, Your will be done
Here on earth as it is in heaven

– Hillsong –

I think of dad when it comes to the chorus. I think of personal hurts. I think of the bad news we often hear about. 

I cling on to Your promises. That’s all I can do at the moment as nothing else makes sense and I don’t know how else to cope. I am tired of feeling this way, how long more? I drove into a spot of shower on the way home from my first aid course today and looked around for a rainbow (sadly, saw none). 

I feel bad for crying in front of my family, especially mom. I do not want them to worry. By God’s grace I will get there. I pray daily that it will be sooner than later. 

“I’m a Christian. I’m not perfect. Just because I mess up sometimes doesn’t mean I’m fake. There’s no such thing as a perfect Christian.”
From Jarrid Wilson’s tweet.

I believe one is more likely to have a greater capacity of extending grace when one has experienced great grace. Not to say those who hasn’t cannot possibly be full of grace but let’s face it, we are human. It is easier to put ourselves in the shoes of others when you’ve experienced it yourself, first hand. When you bare yourself and brace yourself for the worst…then you get a hug to say they wish you didn’t have to go through the ordeal on your own. There are no words to express the overwhelming gratitude and relief; there is no other way to release that ball of emotion except to cry. You’ve seen me in all my ugliness and yet love me, how is that possible?

Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen

I am neither brave nor strong, I don’t understand why would anyone say that. I feel anything but. I will turn all praise to You. I will give all the glory to You. I will choose to praise You even when I feel defeated. I will choose to praise You even when I don’t understand the reason (yet). I will choose to praise You even when I hurt. I will choose to praise You even when I seem to find no comfort. I will choose to praise You even when I feel lost. I will choose to praise You even if the world gave me all the reasons not to. It was a decision made, a commitment I will honour. All the days of my life. Even though I may have stumbled, by Your grace I will never ever stumble over the same stone again. My commitment to You is the driving force of why I am who I am today. 

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Spoke to me: All My Life

by FeR on November 6, 2015 in Him & faith

My freedom, my reason,
my Saviour that’s what you are to me
You free me, complete me,
my Saviour that’s what you are
There no other like You, there’s no one beside You
You’re more than my heart can contain

I will love You all my life,
for You are my reason,
the One that I live for
I will love You all my life,
for You are my reason
You’re the One that I live for

– Parachute Band –

This song.

This time around, I’m not exactly sure why I’m more emotional about leaving home. Perhaps it’s being surrounded by family and close friends for 4 weeks, then coming back here with a realisation that apart from WY, I don’t have any other close friends I can hang out with. Yes, I know I have NN here but it’s not the same.
Actually, it’s not emotional about leaving (I had no problems at KLIA. In fact, I was slightly annoyed that I couldn’t head to the gate earlier) but rather, feeling emotionally empty about being back here. Yes, there were tears. Unexplained and probably unnecessary but totally suited the moment (I started to feel unwell after my first day back at work and also *ahem* I had pains of other kind that could also contribute to my emo-ness). I felt listless at work and on my way back from work on Thursday, I just broke down and prayed for God to take away the heaviness in my heart. I cried all the way home.

This song.
This song came up when I drove to work on Friday. It was a reminder of where my heart should be. A reminder of who I live for. A reminder of my source of joy. Then, right after this song came “Nothing Compares”.
:hee:
You and Your sense of humour, God.

Thank You for the reminder.

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Goodbye 2014

by FeR on December 31, 2014 in family & friends,Him & faith,just me

Lord, we’re prone to quickly forget Your goodness
and care for us. May we trust You today and
into the new year—whatever uncertainties we
face. You are the God who can be trusted

– ODB December 31st 2014 –

As I’m typing this, the TV is on with news of the AirAsia crash.
:bum:

2014 hasn’t been that all that great for us but I want to focus on what I’m thankful for. Getting a job prior to arriving here, having a safe and comfortable place to live in, meeting kind souls, getting reacquainted with dad’s side of the family, discovering the joy of watching things grow and experiencing new things.

I am also thankful for the pain that I’ve gone through this year as it has taught me to really appreciate what I have and not to take things (or anything/anyone!) for granted.
[Sometimes I still beat myself up as I could’ve visited dad right before he passed away, I was there and the chance was there. I took that opportunity for granted and thought I still had time to see him later. Later didn’t come. He didn’t wait. It was a hard lesson.]

Enjoy time with your family and friends, cherish them. Tell them you love them, hug them if they are with you. Reaffirm that they are dear to you. Forgive them even if they don’t ask for forgiveness. Love them even if you don’t like them or the things they do.
Forgive the fault of others and mean it when you decide to do so. Cut off those who are toxic and it’s okay to put yourself first sometimes. Do not use people’s past against them, give them a genuine chance. Try try try, always try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
It’s okay to grieve but choose happy. It’s okay to complain but choose gratitude. It’s okay to be angry but don’t let it cloud your judgement. It’s okay to cry but remember joy is not from the world. It’s okay to run away and hide but don’t cut ties with reality.

I wish you well, I wish you health.
I pray for God to give me strength and courage to face every facet of His blessings in my life for 2015 and if you’d let me, that’s my prayer for you, too.

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