blabs

Lonely

by FeR on March 15, 2016 in blabs,Him & faith,stories

I had a busy day at work today but I’m really glad that it was a quiet moment when she came to pick up her items. 

It started from her telling me that the CoQ10 did nothing for her and that she still felt very tired and fatigued. As I gently probed for more details, she said she was waiting for surgery to fix her knee and that won’t happen until June. Living with physical pain is debilitating. It really sucks everything out of you. I felt sorry for her. 

Then there was death and loneliness. Death caused the loneliness despite having children and friends. The first step was to admit it, that you feel lonely. I think society is not very sympathetic towards lonely people. Everyone is too busy. I was told, “Oh, but they have their own family and issues.” I told her I believe family is family and true friends won’t bat an eyelid if you are honest with them. It doesn’t have to be an elaborate event with pomp and fuss, it can just be hanging out in the same room or a quick meal or a grocery run or even if it’s just sitting in the car while your children sends your grandchildren to their activities. Since when do family members have to be so 客氣 with each other? To worry about, “Am I imposing? Is she comfortable? Am I taking up their time?” 

When it comes to something like this, I’m glad to be Asian. We don’t have to be so uptight about personal space or privacy sometimes (although ironically, those are the very things that annoys me too!). For someone who has family and friends around her, yet be afraid to ask them for their company…it’s sad. I would feel horrible if my mother is ever made to feel that way when I am within driving distance from her. I’m not saying that they don’t care, but why is she made to feel afraid to reach out for company? That she is a burden or that she may be imposing herself on others? 

Loneliness is a real thing. I’m sorry she has to go back to an empty home where there were lots of memories with the person she loved. I do hope that one day, this same home will be a place that would make her feel happy again. I hope she will take baby steps to get better. Not wanting to get out of bed is not a good sign, and I’m not talking about the lazy cold mornings. 

I told her I truly understood how she felt. My life overseas have been lonely, especially in the beginning of a new place. That’s why I was somewhat reluctant to move here, knowing well that starting again is tough. No man is an island. I know I made friends eventually but those who truly knows me (whom I’m also utterly comfortable with to be myself) were not within driving distance for me to hang out with. They were not even in the same time zone for me to call! My family is scattered over 3 different continents – it’s meaningless (but we’re working on that). Oh my dear heart! How it felt every emotion when she told me her story. I could see tears brimming as she tried to hold them back. 

As she picked up her bags, “Thank you for talking to me.”

Oh my heart! I thank God for putting me there today and I hope she feels better from having someone to talk to. 

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I have “written diarrhoea”

by FeR on March 4, 2016 in blabs,just me

…as opposed to “verbal diarrhoea”. 
 
Found this graph from a website that a friend shared about the life of an introvert. I think this describes me perfectly. I tend to forget things/further explanations/extra details when I speak (I used to write a list of things to talk about but it may come across as unnatural to some, especially new people I meet) and you may (or may not) have been a victim of my post-meet up flurry of messages (or a REALLY long single message – thankfully there is iMessage or Whatsapp now. I also prefer to type proper sentences, most of the time) to explain myself (why I did what I did or said what I said). Sometimes I can be quiet in a group meet up, only to have a text/written conversation with them after getting home (be it in a group chat or more likely, individual conversation). 

What’s wrong with me? Thankfully, nothing. :)

I am a thinker and spend heaps of time thinking. I articulate my feelings and thoughts better after processing every information I would have received from any meet up. If you push me and if I’m also uncomfortable with you (say, new acquaintances), I may end up being quiet or I will say, “I don’t know.” Unless if you talk about dogs. I will always have something to say about dogs! :hee:

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Sweetest creature

by FeR on February 29, 2016 in blabs,family & friends

 
I got home after watching Star Wars at TTP and didn’t even notice the bag in front of our door until I walked right up to it. I saw my name on the tag and was (pleasantly) surprised. If anything, I thought it was for WY. 

How sweet are you, dear creature? EGoh, you are one of the sweetest, kindest, most thoughtful friends I know. How often does one get a gift sent to their door “just because” they wanted to remind you that you are loved? “Thank you” does not even come close to all the feels I had in me upon receiving these. You made me cry at my door step. :P

Even after a lapse of contact, you’re still there for me at the first moment when I needed a cheering up. I wish us being roomies could materialise! I miss our time in PJ. Thank you again for taking me in when I had no place to go. I am ever grateful! God bless your precious heart!

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Happy New Year

by FeR on December 31, 2015 in blabs,personal

I greeted the years 2014 and 2015 without a job. I am working on 1st January 2016 but I am not complaining as I am entering (finally) the new year with a job (helps that it’s only a short day, too!). 

Everyone talks about how the past year has been “such a roller coaster” ride (I have been FB stalking and yes, many used that phrase) and isn’t it funny we all think the same about our past year? In reality, life is never constant and it is full of ups and downs. If you never enquire and if you only assume, you never know what one goes through. Nothing in this world that we live in is perfect. 

This year, I was compelled to share something with mom. Funny how I thought I would NEVER breathe a word to her about it. I was able to keep everything together until she hugged me with such love that can only be attributed to God’s grace. Perhaps 10 is the number. I love you, mom!

Tomorrow is also the 2nd anniversary of dad’s passing. Somehow my brain struggles to comprehend it. Two years? Really? Are you sure? Despite seeing his memorial place when I went back in October, I still sit here feeling that he is alive in Malaysia. 

It’s the birthright of January 1st that all things are made to feel brand new, despite it being another day with no marked distinction (except for our feelings towards the day). The “reset” button is actually available every day when we wake up. Everyday is a new day. However, there is no harm in making tomorrow an extra special day. It’s like the birthday of new days. 

I wish you well for the coming year and allow me to pray for love, joy and peace (that surpasses human understanding) be the theme of your every day life. 

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Spoke to me: In Me

by FeR on May 22, 2015 in blabs

If You ask me to leap
Out of my boat on the crashing waves
If You ask me to go
Preach to a lost world that Jesus saves
*
If you ask me to run
And carry Your light into foreign land
If You ask me to fight
Deliver Your people from satan’s hand
*
I’ll go, but I cannot go alone
‘Cause I know I’m nothing on my own
But the power of Christ in me makes me strong
Makes me strong
‘Cause when I’m weak, You make me strong
When I’m blind, You shine Your light on me
‘Cause I’ll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don’t need me
How amazing to find that You want me
So I’ll stand on Your truth, and I’ll fight with Your strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me

– Casting Crown –

This has been played over and over again recently. I wake up with the highlighted part in my head, I hum the same part when I’m at work and I sing that same part outloud with joy when I am home.

I truly believe we can only do so much with our own capabilities and strength. We may not have full understanding of everything now but we may be revealed snippets of God’s plan for us if we press on. 

For as the body apart from the spirit is dead, so also faith apart from works is dead. – James 2:26

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