blabs

Where did time go?

by FeR on November 25, 2017 in blabs

Oh my.

My last post was back in March (see if you can spot them in the midst of all the Twitter updates, heh!). So much for wanting to revive my blogging. What a waste of money for hosting, too, when I don’t update this site.

Currently at the Riverland, which is considered to be the heart of SA’s citrus industry. I have yet to purchase local oranges, I keep passing them on the road (hello! 80kmph, I can’t well hit my brakes when I zoom past) but never get to stop and get some. I have to intentionally plan a day to procure them.

This is the 7th pharmacy I’ve worked at since I started as a locum (and my very first in getting paid via direct invoicing!) – not very many in the year because I kept going back to Mt Gambier (I went there FOUR times!). I was supposed to go to Darwin but 2 weeks before my start date, I got told that they found a permanent pharmacist (then CL told me later that they put out an ad again looking for a locum :pfft: Long story with this particular contact but never again shall you fool me!)

You know what? I just did a tally on the amount of days off I’ve given myself this year…16 weeks. That’s 4 months. I’m not sure if the figures are right, it seems WAYYYYY off. It’s definitely not a viable plan to be this *gasp!* lazy…I think I’ve been too slack. Been overly excited at the prospect that I can give myself time off anytime I wanted. It’s a recipe for disaster! Mortgage will not magically pay itself off (nor would the bank tell me, “S’aight, fix us up when you can.”) I need to plan better or get myself a permanent job. This will not work out in the long run. Reality check.

I have two major holidays planned out in 2018. I think that’s it. The rest of the year should be booked up with work, hopefully.

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Spoke to me: Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)

by FeR on November 16, 2016 in blabs


Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders,
Let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me.
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander,
And my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Saviour

– Hillsong UNITED –

This song was the first song that came up on Spotify when I started my walk around the Blue Lake today. 

I feel lost in my first few steps. I wondered what am I doing here and have I (yet again) set myself up to live life alone. Starting over and making new friends are not my strengths. I used to think I was pretty good in making new friends but I must’ve mistaken it with making new acquaintances. I see people walking with friends or family or loved ones and I see my one lonesome shadow. When this part came up, something clicked in me. Step. Step. Step. With every step, I have to remind myself that I’m not doing this alone. If I have prayed for it, then I had better step into it without hesitation or doubt. With every step, I remember praying for God to call me out of my comfort zone and to be used for His glory. 

Maybe what I’m doing now is something I’ve prayed for. Maybe what I’m doing now is answering that call to “walk upon the waters”. I remember listening to this song over and over again after watching the Hillsong movie, I even shared the song on Facebook. 10 days after that, I handed in my notice. I also submitted my application to UTAS today. If all goes well, I will definitely need a new computer by February. 

Everything happened really quickly that I’m not even sure if I really thought it through. Perhaps with my tendency to over-analyse, this quick decision-to-action is a good thing. Perhaps I’ve done so much thinking in the last couple of years that I need not think too much now. Just keep moving forward.  

I’m self doubting, for sure, but I’m thankful to know that there is no doubting in what God can do. I will continue to take my steps. By faith. 

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The silliness of youth

by FeR on May 2, 2016 in blabs

When I was younger, I used to be envious of ladies who would have visible veins on their hands. Don’t ask me why, although I’ll attempt to explain it now. 

Somehow, I thought that it was an indication that the person is slim/thin. My hands never had visible veins and I thought they were pretty pudgy/fat. WELL! How silly was little me about 10 years ago, huh? It’s ageing lah! Also a result of many years of doing housework/chores. 

The silliness of my youth. :roll:

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Better to have loved and lost…

by FeR on March 23, 2016 in blabs

‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

– Alfred Lord Tennyson –

I have wondered about this quote before but I thought about it again when I heard the news about how a youth pastor was struck by lightning and passed away, leaving his wife and four children behind.

When a loved one is taken away from you so suddenly, is it really better to have loved and lost? Does it make that gaping-hole feeling any better? Is it any comfort? Perhaps the pain would be temporary, I don’t know. I could not even begin to imagine the feeling. When I think about it, I naturally wish that I would be in a position to have never loved at all. It’s painful even to try imagining how it would feel.

What if the loss is not by death but by demise of love (if you subscribe to that notion)? Would you love again in the future? I don’t believe love dies. If anything, it’s probably because it has succumbed to selfish interests. Some may think that loving is a big risk – I would think so, too. However, I think it’s only a risk if you expect a return. Loving unconditionally will not make you think of “loss”. It is something I have yet to truly experience (they say when you have a child, you’d know the feeling of unconditional love). I am human after all…despite knowing love should be unconditional, I would be lying to say I have never ever expected anything back. I try to lower or negate the expectation, to love because God first loved us.

I’m not saying that I advocate shutting everything out. I believe loving or being loved is something that makes you quite vulnerable. Exposed, in fact. The capacity to feel so much happiness but at the same time, the capacity to experience great grief – mind boggling! We are such complex creatures.

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Lonely

by FeR on March 15, 2016 in blabs,Him & faith,stories

I had a busy day at work today but I’m really glad that it was a quiet moment when she came to pick up her items. 

It started from her telling me that the CoQ10 did nothing for her and that she still felt very tired and fatigued. As I gently probed for more details, she said she was waiting for surgery to fix her knee and that won’t happen until June. Living with physical pain is debilitating. It really sucks everything out of you. I felt sorry for her. 

Then there was death and loneliness. Death caused the loneliness despite having children and friends. The first step was to admit it, that you feel lonely. I think society is not very sympathetic towards lonely people. Everyone is too busy. I was told, “Oh, but they have their own family and issues.” I told her I believe family is family and true friends won’t bat an eyelid if you are honest with them. It doesn’t have to be an elaborate event with pomp and fuss, it can just be hanging out in the same room or a quick meal or a grocery run or even if it’s just sitting in the car while your children sends your grandchildren to their activities. Since when do family members have to be so 客氣 with each other? To worry about, “Am I imposing? Is she comfortable? Am I taking up their time?” 

When it comes to something like this, I’m glad to be Asian. We don’t have to be so uptight about personal space or privacy sometimes (although ironically, those are the very things that annoys me too!). For someone who has family and friends around her, yet be afraid to ask them for their company…it’s sad. I would feel horrible if my mother is ever made to feel that way when I am within driving distance from her. I’m not saying that they don’t care, but why is she made to feel afraid to reach out for company? That she is a burden or that she may be imposing herself on others? 

Loneliness is a real thing. I’m sorry she has to go back to an empty home where there were lots of memories with the person she loved. I do hope that one day, this same home will be a place that would make her feel happy again. I hope she will take baby steps to get better. Not wanting to get out of bed is not a good sign, and I’m not talking about the lazy cold mornings. 

I told her I truly understood how she felt. My life overseas have been lonely, especially in the beginning of a new place. That’s why I was somewhat reluctant to move here, knowing well that starting again is tough. No man is an island. I know I made friends eventually but those who truly knows me (whom I’m also utterly comfortable with to be myself) were not within driving distance for me to hang out with. They were not even in the same time zone for me to call! My family is scattered over 3 different continents – it’s meaningless (but we’re working on that). Oh my dear heart! How it felt every emotion when she told me her story. I could see tears brimming as she tried to hold them back. 

As she picked up her bags, “Thank you for talking to me.”

Oh my heart! I thank God for putting me there today and I hope she feels better from having someone to talk to. 

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