Sluggish and spotty

by FeR on November 25, 2017 in blabs

Le sigh.

I am really too old for this – acne issues. What irritates me more is the fact that it’s flared up again for “no reason”. I do not like not knowing. Not knowing means I can’t fix it! Sitting here with a charcoal mask over my trouble areas (U of my face – cheeks and chin – and in the middle of my forehead, between my brows), feeling sorry for myself.

I’ve tried a gut repair course (did not make any difference), tried Vitex (no improvement after a bottle/month – 4 weeks is a fair chance?), tried going vegan (thought through that week, didn’t get new cystic acne – but really difficult to keep to)…what I DO know is that dairy and lack of sleep aggravates it. I got so fed up with all the trying, I just went all out eating ice-cream that’s left in my freezer (that my guests didn’t even touch!), eating cheese – then paid for it by saying hello to some new itchy, painful cystic bumps. :roll:

I’ve taken photos of my left and right profile but it seems progressively worse since May – no light at the end of the tunnel! Maybe I’ll put the photos here when (yes, still pretty optimistic as my first response although I’m thinking I don’t know if it will be better) I see any sort of improvement. In the meantime, it hasn’t got a happy ending and it’s just a collection of disgusting (to me) photos. :bum:

I am very close to giving up and am very tempted to go back on the oestrogen/cyproterone again – I KNOW it works in clearing up my skin and clear skin is what I miss. I can’t begin to explain how my feelings/confidence are affected when my skin is this bad – I know all the science (it’s not that I am “dirty” and all the acne stigma) but the psychology is hitting me hard. It doesn’t help when your family and friends points at your face and go, “What happened to your face? Why your face so bad?” As if I don’t see it in the mirror every day. :bum:

已經老了,也沒人要 – 臉那麼醜真的是太難受了

Sluggish is me around the belly (especially) – what I meant is that I feel in around my belly, it’s heavier and it makes me feel so UGH! When I first arrived here, the first two days hit 37°C!!! I don’t know if it was all the junk eating before I started work or the heat; everything (my clothing) felt so snug! Not in a good way. My trousers felt like it was cutting into my stomach and I felt constricted in my dispensing jacket :cry:

The funny thing out of this is – I’m not sure which one I want/need to fix first. :heh:

This entire entry may seem like a PMS rant; maybe it is. That’s the beauty of a blog. It’s mine, it’s not in your face (unless you choose to read it/click on the website), it’s my space to dump my thoughts and record my things. I haven’t done it in a loooooong while. Sometimes I need this to see what I’ve been doing/going through – can’t have a group to catch up with physically because of the traveling for work this year.

Let me end this post with a photo of this place here:

P/S: Just suck it up and do something about it, FeR! You obviously don’t want it enough to continue sneaking in Tim Tams and potato chips. Yea, don’t think I didn’t see that! And you say you want to jog/run continuously for 5km – what are you doing now? What have you done for the entire week to work up to it? NOTHING. Exactly. *drops mic*


Where did time go?

by FeR on November 25, 2017 in blabs

Oh my.

My last post was back in March (see if you can spot them in the midst of all the Twitter updates, heh!). So much for wanting to revive my blogging. What a waste of money for hosting, too, when I don’t update this site.

Currently at the Riverland, which is considered to be the heart of SA’s citrus industry. I have yet to purchase local oranges, I keep passing them on the road (hello! 80kmph, I can’t well hit my brakes when I zoom past) but never get to stop and get some. I have to intentionally plan a day to procure them.

This is the 7th pharmacy I’ve worked at since I started as a locum (and my very first in getting paid via direct invoicing!) – not very many in the year because I kept going back to Mt Gambier (I went there FOUR times!). I was supposed to go to Darwin but 2 weeks before my start date, I got told that they found a permanent pharmacist (then CL told me later that they put out an ad again looking for a locum :pfft: Long story with this particular contact but never again shall you fool me!)

You know what? I just did a tally on the amount of days off I’ve given myself this year…16 weeks. That’s 4 months. I’m not sure if the figures are right, it seems WAYYYYY off. It’s definitely not a viable plan to be this *gasp!* lazy…I think I’ve been too slack. Been overly excited at the prospect that I can give myself time off anytime I wanted. It’s a recipe for disaster! Mortgage will not magically pay itself off (nor would the bank tell me, “S’aight, fix us up when you can.”) I need to plan better or get myself a permanent job. This will not work out in the long run. Reality check.

I have two major holidays planned out in 2018. I think that’s it. The rest of the year should be booked up with work, hopefully.


Spoke to me: Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)

by FeR on November 16, 2016 in blabs

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders,
Let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me.
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander,
And my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Saviour

– Hillsong UNITED –

This song was the first song that came up on Spotify when I started my walk around the Blue Lake today. 

I feel lost in my first few steps. I wondered what am I doing here and have I (yet again) set myself up to live life alone. Starting over and making new friends are not my strengths. I used to think I was pretty good in making new friends but I must’ve mistaken it with making new acquaintances. I see people walking with friends or family or loved ones and I see my one lonesome shadow. When this part came up, something clicked in me. Step. Step. Step. With every step, I have to remind myself that I’m not doing this alone. If I have prayed for it, then I had better step into it without hesitation or doubt. With every step, I remember praying for God to call me out of my comfort zone and to be used for His glory. 

Maybe what I’m doing now is something I’ve prayed for. Maybe what I’m doing now is answering that call to “walk upon the waters”. I remember listening to this song over and over again after watching the Hillsong movie, I even shared the song on Facebook. 10 days after that, I handed in my notice. I also submitted my application to UTAS today. If all goes well, I will definitely need a new computer by February. 

Everything happened really quickly that I’m not even sure if I really thought it through. Perhaps with my tendency to over-analyse, this quick decision-to-action is a good thing. Perhaps I’ve done so much thinking in the last couple of years that I need not think too much now. Just keep moving forward.  

I’m self doubting, for sure, but I’m thankful to know that there is no doubting in what God can do. I will continue to take my steps. By faith. 


The silliness of youth

by FeR on May 2, 2016 in blabs

When I was younger, I used to be envious of ladies who would have visible veins on their hands. Don’t ask me why, although I’ll attempt to explain it now. 

Somehow, I thought that it was an indication that the person is slim/thin. My hands never had visible veins and I thought they were pretty pudgy/fat. WELL! How silly was little me about 10 years ago, huh? It’s ageing lah! Also a result of many years of doing housework/chores. 

The silliness of my youth. :roll:


Better to have loved and lost…

by FeR on March 23, 2016 in blabs

‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

– Alfred Lord Tennyson –

I have wondered about this quote before but I thought about it again when I heard the news about how a youth pastor was struck by lightning and passed away, leaving his wife and four children behind.

When a loved one is taken away from you so suddenly, is it really better to have loved and lost? Does it make that gaping-hole feeling any better? Is it any comfort? Perhaps the pain would be temporary, I don’t know. I could not even begin to imagine the feeling. When I think about it, I naturally wish that I would be in a position to have never loved at all. It’s painful even to try imagining how it would feel.

What if the loss is not by death but by demise of love (if you subscribe to that notion)? Would you love again in the future? I don’t believe love dies. If anything, it’s probably because it has succumbed to selfish interests. Some may think that loving is a big risk – I would think so, too. However, I think it’s only a risk if you expect a return. Loving unconditionally will not make you think of “loss”. It is something I have yet to truly experience (they say when you have a child, you’d know the feeling of unconditional love). I am human after all…despite knowing love should be unconditional, I would be lying to say I have never ever expected anything back. I try to lower or negate the expectation, to love because God first loved us.

I’m not saying that I advocate shutting everything out. I believe loving or being loved is something that makes you quite vulnerable. Exposed, in fact. The capacity to feel so much happiness but at the same time, the capacity to experience great grief – mind boggling! We are such complex creatures.