Thinking

I’ve been thinking about what Jocelyn said about people changing when they leave Malaysia, that friendship would not be the same anymore once we are physically apart. It’s going to be different even though you’d spend time catching up with each other.

Friendship…well.

I guess I now see the truth (unfortunately) in those words.

I’ve got friends from school.
It’s as if they are brothers and sisters…in a way, I did spend my childhood/growing years with them – so they will always hold a place in my heart. I’m glad to be included into the loop of email and that despite not contributing much, I still get “updates” on what’s going on with those few people. I guess it’s all about effort – despite being miles apart from each other, they still know what’s going on with the other person.
I’m amazed with their closeness…despite me saying I’ve got close friends, I don’t see myself doing the same in terms of keeping in touch.

I feel upset that I haven’t got close friends here and yet I don’t make any effort to stay in touch. My excuse would be that I’m tired, I’ve got work to do…but you know what? At the end of the day, I just laze and not do anything. I DO have things to work on (assignments, read-ups, preparations, exams) but truth be told, I put them off and just bum.
I’m online but sometimes appear offline (so what IS the point of running the MSN?)…

I guess what Lav said did hit home – you’d only miss something when it’s not there anymore.
It sounds harsh but it is true.

LC, Sin, Chelle…thank you for your emails. I know I’ve not replied…but I am very much alive.

The funny thing is that you often pine for those who don’t seem to give two hoots about you. Friends whom you’ve grown apart with, people who gave up on your friendship and not want to have anything to do with you anymore…

I was thinking to myself the other day – my initial plan was to get registered here and perhaps go over to Australia when I’m done with my contract but I don’t know if I want to go through that again – the settling down, moving about, exams, studying…

…but at least I’ve got people I know in Australia.

If I choose to stay here (I know I’m thinking WAYYY ahead of myself at this point but just let me write this lah), who do I have?

At times like these hor, I actually miss my mom the most.
As long as I can still call her, then it’s okay.
[By the way, I'm going back to Malaysia for CNY and I can't wait because I will get to see my mom again after 1 year+3 months. I don't remember when was the last time I got to celebrate her birthday with her. ]

I’m scared.
I’m scared I’ve come to the point where my bestfriend is not my bestfriend now anymore. That we are not as close as we were when we were younger. When we could relate to each other.

I’ve got friends from Uni that are closer to me now because we’re in the same profession/line of job. We could support each other in terms of understanding how the other feels when it comes to work and the struggles we face in our career paths.

I’ve got friends from church, who are essential in keeping my sanity and spirituality in check.
I know I shouldn’t be affected by my mortal feelings when it comes to my relationship with God but you know what?
My confession – because I feel disconnected with the church and people here, I have thought of not going to church.
I miss Agape.
I don’t know if it’s just the familiarity.
I know I should probably slap myself and tell myself that my worship should not governed by my emotions.

Without a place to serve, I feel disconnected.
I don’t know how some can choose not to go to church, be a part of it and still be “strong” and full of faith. I know I’d definitely die off.
When you’ve tasted how good it is to know of your purpose in life, turning your back on it…I feel that I can only see a life of bleakness.

I miss having a friend to talk to in real life. A close friend, a friend who would understand my feelings. My beliefs, my culture.

I don’t want to only mix with Asians here, that’s why I’m not crazy about the idea about joining a “Malaysian community” as work suggested…but now I see why it’s important.

Even though I’ve met someone who could relate to life in Seremban, it’s still not the same. We didn’t grow up together, we never knew about each other till now.

I look forward to the time where I can have my own place so I can invite people for a meal or something. I hope when that time comes, I’d have someone to invite, if not a few people.

So if you receive my email, don’t sneer at it going, “Now only remember me?”

I’ve always thought about all of you but it’s usually in silence, in my bedroom…with tears welling up. So I stop. Because I don’t want to cry my eyes out (and tissues are expensive here. Seriously.)
The fear is that you’d think I don’t remember you anymore.
And also that you’d not care anymore.

And so now, it’s time to stop and blow my nose.

Tagged as: emo